Let’s be honest. You’re not asking “Am I drinking too much” because you don’t know the answer. You’re asking because you don’t know what to do about the fact that you are, indeed, drinking too much. It really doesn’t matter what other people think or how much they drink. In your heart, you know you’re not living up to your full potential, and that drinking has something to do with that.
Which is why you wake up with that voice in your head. It’s talking to you before you even open your eyes. Before you can even piece together what happened–how much you drank. Why so much? What the hell is wrong with me?
But you don’t have time to wallow, so you slam some water, swallow handfuls of supplements and push through the anxiety as you get going on your day. But in the background, like too many tabs open on your computer, you’re running the mental math. Am I ruining my health? Should I just quit? Is it really that bad? And that background noise is eating up your bandwidth and elevating your stress. Which makes your day feel even harder than it already is.
And the idea of relaxing with a drink again tonight starts sounding even more appealing. That’s the pattern.
Why Trying to Drink Less Usually Makes Things Worse
And here’s the mistake we all make. We think that the solution to too much drinking is less drinking. Because that’s logical, right?
Technically, yes. That’s logical. But over-drinking isn’t logical. Why would anyone actually want to drink to the point where they feel sick the next day or can’t remember how much “fun” they had the night before?
The reality is that your drinking is not the problem. It’s a symptom. And the reason that logical solutions don’t work–setting limits, following rules, downloading an app to track your drinks or doing a detox to reset your tolerance–those strategies focus on changing your behavior before you understand why the behavior exists in the first place.
Because that’s what really matters. Even with the downsides, if drinking didn’t serve a purpose, you wouldn’t be doing it.
What Alcohol Use Disorder Actually Is (It’s Not What You Think)
Alcohol use disorder is not defined by how much or how often you drink. It doesn’t matter what type of alcohol you prefer or how high your tolerance is. The clinical diagnosis is subjective: do you think you drink more than you should? And does it feel hard or complicated to cut back?
Read that again. The disorder isn’t really about alcohol. It’s about the gap between where you are and where you want to be.
Which means this is a thinking problem, not a drinking problem.
The difference between a normal drinker and someone with alcohol use disorder is not how much they drink. It’s how they feel about themselves when they over-do it. A normal drinker might wince with guilt and say “That was stupid. I don’t want to do that again!”
But someone with alcohol use disorder feels shame, which sounds more like, “I probably will do that again because evidently, I’m stupid.”
The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt allows you to acknowledge that something went wrong. At which point, you can make a plan to self-correct. In contrast, shame is like the auto-immune disorder of emotions. It attacks you. Which makes it almost impossible to self-correct as it destroys your confidence. Shame literally kills the motivation you need to learn from your mistakes because it tells you that the reason you keep making mistakes is that something is deeply wrong with you.
That distinction is everything.
Why Shame–Not Alcohol–Is Keeping You Stuck
Shame doesn’t motivate you to change. Just the opposite. It tells you that you’re not capable of change (because you can’t be trusted to control yourself). So the only option for you? Hide. Pretend it’s not a problem. Don’t let anyone know how bad you feel. Keep your shit together around other people. Which means you’ll either start sneaking refills so no one can see how much you’re really drinking or just wait and drink more when you’re by yourself.
And here’s how shame affects your biology. When you perceive that you’ve failed to control yourself (again), the part of your brain that keeps track of your wins and losses actually shuts off your motivation to do anything about it. Not metaphorically. Neurologically. Your access to problem-solving skills, optimism and open-mindedness gets cut off because your brain has decided there’s no point in trying. Why would you invest energy and effort in something that’s not going to work anyway?
That’s why the more times you’ve tried and failed to change, the harder it feels and the worse it gets. That’s why every promise you’ve made to yourself that you’re “not going to do that again” makes it more likely that you will, in fact, do it again. That’s the cycle of shame.
Shame has trapped you in an emotional feedback loop. And the only way to escape the loop is to understand what’s driving it. But hear me when I say: the problem is not your drinking. It’s shame.
You’re More Disciplined Than You Think
The first step to overcoming shame is to realize that it’s not telling you the truth. So, let’s explore that right now. If you’re crushing it at work and managing a household, there is a lot of evidence that you are actually a very disciplined person. You show up and follow through on a regular basis. You’re reliable, dependable–you don’t let people down. Think about how much willpower it takes to be as successful and accomplished as you are–even when you’re hungover.
But trying to keep up with yourself is exhausting at this point. So much energy goes into managing your shame. Pretending that you haven’t been drinking when your partner gets home so you can both have your “first” drink together. Underreporting to your doctor and worrying about alcohol-related health issues all by yourself. Keeping your supply stashed out of sight so nobody will find it. Not because you’re a dishonest person. But because shame is telling you to hide the truth–lest it be used against you.
And every time you follow these instructions, you make a deposit into the shame account. You validate what shame is telling you. Which makes its hold on you that much stronger.
How You Can Break the Cycle of Shame That Causes Overdrinking
Shame thrives in secrecy. That’s not a platitude — it’s what the research shows. It grows in silence and darkness. But it can’t survive when it’s spoken out loud in the presence of compassion and understanding.
Which means the antidote to shame is the one thing shame is telling you to avoid at all costs: tell the truth.
Not to everyone. Not all at once. The first person you need to tell the truth to is yourself. And then, at some point, to one other person you feel safe with.
Here’s why that matters. The energy you’re spending hiding this in secret is the exact same energy you need to break the cycle. You can’t hide and heal at the same time.
That’s why I offer free, private discovery calls to every woman in my community. Because the safest person to talk to is someone you don’t actually know. Someone who has not only struggled with alcohol use disorder, but who understands the path to freedom.
Most of the women we talk to have never had a completely honest conversation with anyone about this. And that’s all this call is. My certified coaches are trained to meet you where you are–no judgment, no agenda, no pressure to quit drinking. Because you already know, you need compassion–not condescending advice.
Compassion and connection are antidotes for shame. My clients are regularly posting in our community. “OMG– I get it. This really isn’t about the alcohol.” And that sentiment says it all.
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And if you want to learn more about my “Take it or Leave it” Methodology, check out these additional resources:
Free Masterclass
The Science of Take It or Leave It: Why Some Women Can and How You Can Too
It’s Not About the Alcohol podcast
EP327, Why Getting Sober Didn’t Fix My Drinking Problem (and What Actually Did)