You’ve been searching for something else to take the edge off. Some other tool that gives you what wine gives you, without the wine. Maybe it’s CBD. Maybe it’s THC gummies. Maybe it’s a different kind of tea. Maybe it’s the pill your doctor offered or the supplement your friend swears by. You’ve been looking for the replacement that finally works, the one that lets you turn the volume down without the next-day shame.
What you’ve actually been doing is searching for an off-switch. Because by 6pm, the noise in your head is too loud. The pressure under your skin is too much. And you need it to stop. Now.
Drinking to relax your anxiety doesn’t work because alcohol shuts off the alarm in your body without addressing what triggered it. The alarm comes back, often louder. The problem isn’t that you need a different replacement for wine. It’s that you’ve been treating the symptom instead of the source.
Why drinking to relax actually works in the short term
Let’s get one thing straight. If drinking didn’t work, you wouldn’t keep doing it. So before we talk about why it’s the wrong solution, we have to admit that on some level, it’s a really effective one.
Just the idea of having a drink later can make the last few hours of your day more manageable. You get home, pop the cork, and the sound of wine hitting the glass is instantly soothing. Before the first sip, your shoulders drop. Your breath gets a little deeper. The volume in your head goes down a notch.
That’s not in your imagination. Alcohol is a depressant. That doesn’t mean it makes you sad. It’s a pharmacological term. It means alcohol down-regulates your central nervous system. It pulls you out of fight or flight. It contracts. It takes you from spinning to calm within minutes.
Which means it’s not that you don’t have an off-switch when it comes to drinking. Alcohol is your off-switch. Your brain figured out how to solve a problem. The problem being the pressure and tension and chaos swirling in your mind by the end of the day. And now anytime you feel that pressure, your subconscious knows exactly what to reach for.
The reason drinking works so well in the short term is also the reason it traps you in the long term. It’s not a moral failure. It’s not a willpower issue. It’s the fastest, most efficient relief your nervous system has ever learned.
The two parts of anxiety nobody told you about
Here’s where most women get stuck. Because anxiety is not actually one thing. Anxiety has two parts. And until you understand what those two parts are, nothing you try is going to land.
This framework comes from the work of Dr. Russell Kennedy, author of The Anxiety Rx. Anxiety is a thinking process in your mind. And it is also an alarm in your body.
The thinking is the part you’re most aware of. The worrying. The over-analyzing. The replaying of conversations. The catastrophizing. The list of things you’re supposed to do. The story about why you’re behind, why something is wrong, why you should be doing more.
The alarm is the part you might not even be conscious of. It’s a physiological alarm going off in your body. The clenched jaw. The tight chest. The shallow breath. The energy buzzing under your skin. The pressure that keeps building with no place to go.
[INTERNAL LINK OPPORTUNITY: clenched jaw, shallow breath, energy buzzing – link to nervous system regulation post]
And here’s the part nobody tells you. The thinking does not cause the alarm. The alarm causes the thinking.
Your whirling, swirling mind is a symptom of stress in your body. Not the other way around.
When you take a medication to soothe your nervous system, or when you drink, you’re shutting off the alarm temporarily. Which makes the thinking quiet down. Which makes you feel better. For now. But you’re not dealing with what triggered the alarm in the first place. So the alarm comes back. And when it comes back, you need the off-switch again. And the next day. And the day after that.
The two versions of you running the show
For years, I would never have called myself an anxious person. To me, that label felt like an insult. I was too busy identifying as a bunch of other stuff. I called myself a hot mess. A perfectionist. Someone with an addictive personality. I’d swallow any drug a doctor would hand me to get myself to calm down. The drugs that come with a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis. I just didn’t think the label applied.
Looking back, the hot mess and the perfectionist and the addictive personality were costumes. Anxiety was the body underneath all of them.
This pattern shows up in every woman I coach. Whether she names this experience as anxiety. Or stress. Or being a highly sensitive person whose radar is constantly picking up on the energy around her. Or just someone who’s busy busy busy. The label is different. The underlying pattern is the same. Her nervous system is dysregulated.
Which means there are two versions of her. Two versions of you.
There’s the version of you running on autopilot. Doing all the things. Checking all the boxes. Trying to fix and finish and figure everything out. You think you’re powerful and productive. You’re actually not in the driver’s seat. You’re riding shotgun. Chasing a feeling you don’t know how to give yourself. That’s the dysregulated version of you.
Then there’s the other version. The one who is awake. Who is paying attention. Who can feel her emotions affecting her in real time. Who can notice the pattern starting to run and choose not to run it. She’s not perfect. She’s just present. That’s the regulated version of you.
Both are you. The question isn’t which one is real. The question is which one is calling the shots right now.
Three practices that work with anxiety instead of muting it
Here’s the shift.
Here’s what to actually do. Not new tools. A different way of relating to the alarm. Use them in this order.
Practice one. Recognize the alarm.
This sounds simple but most women miss it for decades. The first move is to stop calling it everything except what it is. Not “I’m a hot mess.” Not “I’m a perfectionist.” Not “I’m just really sensitive.” Not “I’m just busy.” Those are masks the anxiety wears so you don’t have to look at it directly.
When you feel that buzz under your skin. The tightness in your chest. The urge to get up and do something, anything, just to make it stop. That’s the alarm. Call it what it is. You can’t break a pattern you can’t see.
Practice two. Sensation without explanation.
This phrase comes from Dr. Russell Kennedy. Memorize it. Sensation without explanation.
When the alarm is on, the temptation is to figure out why. Was it that conversation? Was it the email? Did I forget something? Don’t go there. The thinking is the riptide. It will pull you under.
Drop into the body instead. Notice where the alarm is. Your chest. Your throat. Your forearms. Your stomach. Notice what it feels like. Does it have a shape? A density? A temperature? Is it sharp or dull?
You’re not analyzing. You’re not trying to make it stop. You’re just feeling it. Welcoming it in. When you stop throwing thoughts at it, the alarm gets quieter on its own.
Practice three. Ask what rule isn’t working.
Once the alarm has settled enough that your regulated brain comes back online, you can ask the question. Not “what is wrong with me.” That’s the wrong question. Ask, “what rule am I operating under that isn’t working?”
Maybe the rule is, I have to do everything myself. Maybe the rule is, if I’m not productive, I’m not valuable. Maybe the rule is, my needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s.
Whatever the rule is, the alarm is asking you to update it. Not silence it. Update it.
That’s the work. It’s not glamorous. It’s not a tool you can buy on Amazon. It’s not something you can outsource. But it is doable. And it’s the only thing that actually works.
This isn’t really about your relationship with alcohol. It’s about your relationship with your body. The drinking is not the project. The nervous system is the project. Once you change how you respond to the alarm, the drinking becomes a side effect that takes care of itself.
After coaching thousands of professional women through this process, I’ve learned that patterns are nearly impossible to spot from the inside.
There are four main drinker types running the show in the women I work with. Stress. Habit. Sensitive. Anxious. Most women are some combination. Until you can see your specific pattern, you can’t break it. Take the 3-minute quiz to find out which type is yours, and get a roadmap built for your specific pattern, not a generic one. [TAKE THE QUIZ]
Watch the free masterclass here
If you’d prefer to talk to someone who’s been through this, book a free discovery call with one of my certified coaches. Having an honest conversation with a woman you don’t even know–who isn’t going to judge you or tell you to quit drinking–is the fastest way to get clarity on what you really want.
Watch The MasterclassTake the Quiz
This quiz takes about 3 minutes. Your results will reveal which of the four drinker types you are—and what’s really been driving your cravings for alcohol.
No fluff. No judgment. Just clarity.
Take the quiz hereGo Deeper
EP343 Why drinking to relax anxiety makes it’s worse (and what to do instead)
It’s Not About the Alcohol podcast