Episode 60: How to improve your relationship with yourself

00:42

So today we’re gonna talk about how to have a good relationship with yourself. Like the legit physical mechanics. What is it that you have to do so that you feel connected to yourself? I know when I was in early sobriety, I was completely unaware of how it would be to be a person who likes herself, knows herself.

01:09

feels like she’s in control of herself, can spend time alone without pouring vodka down my throat, doesn’t beat myself up. I just wanted to feel like a person. And what I know about my own experience and from working with clients is this relationship with yourself, it’s kind of a blind spot. You are a person who walks and talks and you have opinions.

01:38

and you know what you like and what you don’t like in terms of what you wanna eat and what you like to do and what you don’t like to do. And you know kinda some of your strengths and your weaknesses. But the blind spot is that sense of connection with yourself. And from working with women, this is the biggest question that we get to is, okay, I get it, I need to work on my relationship with myself, but how? How? And what does that mean?

02:07

So today we’re gonna talk about what does it mean to have a good relationship and how do you change your relationship with yourself? If the one that you have is so bad and toxic and yeah, you’ve been abusing your body with whether it be strict diet culture or whether it be alcohol or extreme exercise or again, just that mental chatter of beating yourself up, how do you change all that?

02:36

What does that look like? And that is the million dollar question. That is the question you have to answer in order to make the changes. You have to understand what it is that you want. Most of the women that I work with, and I would put myself in this category, we are people who can get stuff done, and we are hard workers. We love our people. When we see somebody that’s in pain, like,

03:03

Give me five minutes and a pad of paper and I can get it all solved for somebody else. And part of that is because when it’s not your problem, you’ve got an objective perspective. You know how to access resources. You’re not emotionally bound by all the crazy stories we tell ourselves that is holding us back. So when you have somebody in your life that you want to help, it seems pretty easy. And I would...

03:31

define myself, identify myself as a person who is a helper. I am a nurturer, I’m a teacher. I know how to help other people. The problem was I didn’t know how to help myself. And the first step to changing something is to identify what it is that you want, especially with this elusive, ethereal, emotional stuff.

03:57

You know, it’s not just your typical goal of, okay, I wanna lose weight, and that means I need to lose X number of pounds, or I wanna have better meals, so I need to get a cookbook and batch my recipes and then go to the grocery. We all know how to plan for that stuff. It’s this identity and this sense of connection that we have a blind spot. And so I wanna start with...

04:23

What does it mean to have a good relationship with yourself? And I just want to go through some ideas. Basically, what you’re looking for is symptoms of having a good relationship. What would you be experiencing if you did? And the first thing I would point out is that when you have a good relationship with yourself, you feel connected to something greater than yourself. And that’s important.

04:52

Because only when you’re connected to something other and bigger and greater than yourself, are you able to develop a sense of purpose and meaning. Part of our mental health as humans is to have a sense of identity. And you have to orient yourself in your environment, whether that be your community, whether that be your career, whether that be your physical place in nature, whatever it is.

05:22

You have to have a sense of you being separate from other people and what your role is. And that’s what we do much of our life is we are searching for a sense of identity and a job, if you will, in our tribe, where we have a special set of skills that other people recognize, and that gives us purpose. That’s a reason to get up in the morning.

05:49

because if we don’t have that sense of connection, what’s the point, right? So a symptom of having a good relationship with yourself is to have a sense of purpose and meaning because you feel connected to something greater than yourself. Another symptom of a good relationship is that you are comfortable being alone.

06:12

Even when you experience loneliness because maybe you don’t have the right kind of friends or you don’t have the right kind of job or you feel isolated for some reason, even when you experience loneliness, it doesn’t feel personal. Instead, you’re able to identify, oh, I need community, I need communication, I need to see people, you know, I need some sort of connection besides just me doing my own thing.

06:42

And that loneliness, instead of taking you down and you taking it personally, becomes a call to action. You understand that loneliness is a normal emotion, you accept that, and then you problem solve for that. Another thing is that even though you may experience loneliness and recognize the need to have people in your life, you also appreciate alone time.

07:10

When you’re alone, you don’t always experience loneliness. You actually can experience solitude and peace. You actually yearn for that sense of quiet where there’s no stimulation. And you don’t need to fill the silence distracting yourself from yourself or using other people to distract yourself or keep you busy. And when you’re alone, you are able to balance consuming

07:40

with creating. So I know as a drinker, this symptom was way off for me. I didn’t create anymore. That’s not to say I never did. It was not an all or nothing thing. But the more I got wrapped up into my addiction, the more my time alone I was consuming. I was consuming alcohol, Netflix.

08:05

Maybe I was listening to podcasts and books. I was eating my face off. Like I always just had to bring stuff into me because I was trying to change the way I felt. So that didn’t leave time or space for me to create, whether it be create just a peaceful environment and sing or create writing or create, you know, cool spaces in my house.

08:35

And again, this isn’t all or nothing. It’s not like I never created anything. But the scales were definitely tipped towards the consuming. Another symptom of having a good relationship with yourself is that you respect your body and your space. You take the time to go to the grocery store and have stuff on hand to cook for meals, even if it’s just you.

09:01

You respect your body’s need for movement. You respect your body’s need for sleep. I know for me, one of the reasons I felt so disconnected to myself was that after 20 years of being a mother, where I got up in the morning and I did have a sense of purpose and meaning, but it had nothing to do with me. I had to get breakfast ready for five people and school bags packed and laundry done and sports schedules done. And...

09:31

the things I was involved with and volunteered or working, whatever I was doing, I had to make sure that everything was packed and ready for everybody else. And as my children were leaving the nest, you know, it all came to a head, my drinking ramped up, because I didn’t know how to fill my time. I didn’t know what to do when I had time, because I wasn’t used to having it. So some of it was just a bad habit.

09:59

You know, I wasn’t used to filling that space and silence with myself. And I had long ago sacrificed my own opinion because it was the one thing, the one opinion I could ignore. You know, if my family said, hey, where do we wanna go to dinner? I didn’t even have an opinion because to me, I was fifth or sixth in line or however many people we were going, you know. I couldn’t afford my own opinion because I had to navigate so many.

10:27

else so many other peoples. And in the end, I just got really disconnected from my own opinions and thoughts because I didn’t make room for them because to me the cost of that was too high. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a normal part of motherhood and busyness and that time in life when we are mid 30s and 40s where we are just doing all the things. I think it’s very normal to get disconnected.

10:56

And I think that disconnect played a big part in the acceleration of my own addiction. I just didn’t have a sense of who I was and what I needed beyond what other people saw in me and needed from me. But when you take care of yourself and your space, for me, I don’t have a perfectly clean car. I’m not one of those because you know what? I do still cart kids and stuff.

11:24

and me and my dog go somewhere every day, I don’t really see a need to pretend I don’t have a dog. If somebody gets in my car, please don’t sit in the back left seat, and if you do, you’re gonna get dog hair on you. But I keep my space clean, you know, so I think we all have a different level of where we have to balance overthinking and overdoing to meet some state of perfectionism, but then also, you know, respecting ourself. And...

11:52

My car can get pretty dirty. Like, I’ve gotten in the car and my dad’s gotten in my car unannounced. I didn’t know he was coming and been so embarrassed. But it hadn’t been an embarrassment to me when I was by myself. And yet, I do appreciate when I clean my car. I do appreciate getting in and not having a big bag of trash in my side pocket and not having dust all over. It’s taking care of your space is important. And...

12:22

There’s no right or wrong. It doesn’t always have to be perfect. You may be a person that likes to make your bed and you may be a person that gives zero fucks about making the bed. I kind of go back and forth. Like sometimes I make my bed and sometimes I don’t. But I understand the importance of taking care of things like paying my bills on time. I don’t leave my dishes in my sink. Now, my kids will leave dishes in the sink, but when I’m alone, I wipe off my counters and...

12:51

do the basics. It’s just nice to feel like I’m on top of things. And I respect my body and my space, because if and when I don’t, it creates anxiety. It makes me feel like I’ve got more to do than I probably do. I can’t think when I’m surrounded by clutter. And so I just, I take care of my body and my space. Another symptom of what it means to have a good relationship with yourself is that

13:18

you’re able to tolerate things, hard stuff, without beating yourself up or scaring the shit out of yourself. And what do I mean by that? That means like something happens, let’s say you get fired or downsized. You don’t tell yourself that this is all your fault and you should have seen it coming and your life is ruined and you’re never gonna be financially secure. You know, instead you’re...

13:43

You treat yourself like a real person, like oh god, this sucks, this is really hard, I don’t know what I’m gonna do next, I might need some help, I need to cry, I need to tell my story because this isn’t fair. But there’s not a sense of turning on yourself, that self abandonment where something hard happens and you immediately shame and berate and beat yourself up.

14:10

You know, and that applies to all sorts of things. If you have a good relationship with yourself and suddenly you’re like, ah crap, I gained 50 pounds over COVID. You recognize that yeah, you gotta make some changes and probably it’s gonna suck on the front end. But you know that you’re gonna be at least somewhat successful and that you’re gonna be so much better off and you’re willing to try because you respect yourself

14:40

Living as you are isn’t really an option if you’re uncomfortable in your skin and you can’t do things like you used to. And so you’re really to recognize that perhaps you’ve made a mistake and there’s hard stuff that you need to do, maybe some crap you need to deal with, but you’re not treating yourself like an absolute waste of a human being. You have a positive and compassionate and considerate self-talk.

15:10

And I know when I was having problems connecting with myself, I really wasn’t even aware of how nasty I talked to myself. Because of course, our thoughts are our feelings, and I wasn’t really paying attention to either one of them. And so I kind of just lived in this existential dread and shame, not connecting it to words, which was me telling myself.

15:37

I couldn’t control myself, I’m an embarrassment, something is wrong with me, I need to hide, all of those things, I’m ashamed. I didn’t connect the words, but my feelings would have been the symptom that would have revealed that I had some really nasty, toxic, abusive conversations in my head. And when you have a positive, compassionate self-talk,

16:05

You are able to see yourself from many different angles. Like for me, sometimes I have compassion for myself as I would my own child. You know, almost very childlike. It’s going to be okay, what do you need right now? It’s not your fault, we can fix this, I’m here to help you. Sometimes I address myself more of like how I would a friend and sometimes I even address myself.

16:33

as like I would my parent, forgiving myself for forgetfulness or flabbiness or an inability to climb that mountain as fast as everybody else and reminding myself of how precious of a person I am and how loved and important and wise I am. Giving myself credit for showing up. You know, just...

16:59

Verbally and of course non-verbally, you’re doing this in your head, but just being complimentary and being soothing, being the compassionate, wise adult who doesn’t overreact. You know, I said something before about not scaring the shit out of yourself. And I just want you to think about when you do have anxiety that comes up, you need the adult rational version of you to hold space.

17:28

You know, imagine if your child has a nightmare and wakes up screaming and you run in and they’re like, oh, there’s a monster in the closet. Well, imagine if as the adult you were like, oh, fuck, there’s a monster in the closet. Like, just imagine if that’s how you reacted to your child’s fears. Instead of soothing and turning on the light and let’s look at the monster, oh, we can handle this, it’s a teddy bear. Or let’s look at the problem, let’s break it down, let’s.

17:57

Let’s come up with our options and look at what resources we have and what we need. That’s how we help people with their problems. But so often in our own brains, we don’t detach enough from our emotions because we’re not really aware that what we’re feeling is linked to our thoughts. And so we don’t pull out the thought and be like, yeah.

18:19

I don’t think losing your job as much as it sucks means that you’re never gonna be financially dependent and nobody’s ever gonna talk to you again and you’re gonna go live in a cave. Like, I don’t really think that’s what’s gonna happen. You know, because when we’re in a stress response from any situation, our brains just go to the most negative, worst case scenario.

18:42

And if we don’t recognize that we’re having a stress response because we’re not aware of ourselves and of our bodies and of our nervous systems, then we take everything really personally. And we’re on the roller coaster and we’re getting jerked all around and we don’t have a stable ground, a version of ourselves that witnesses and watches and holds space for this chaotic experience that we’re all going through every day out in the world. We don’t have a safe place to come back to.

19:12

Having a good relationship with yourself means you are your own safe place. And many of us, most of us, never learn how to be our safe place, our own safe place as children. Some of this is innate, and certainly we do it at certain times, but it’s never taught as a skill. We’re taught to either suck it in and hold it in and pretend nothing is bothering us, or we’re taught to

19:42

You know, naturally we rely on other people and talk about our problems, but we’re never really told specifically and explicitly that it’s possible to become your own safe place. And I can tell you that it is possible because I am my own self-place. And the sad woman sitting there sipping on the vodka or glugging it, whatever, did not know.

20:07

that that was possible. I did not know that I was not connected to myself. I did not know that everything I thought was true that was not true. And so now I’m going to break down the action steps and I’m gonna answer the question specifically, how. How do you change your relationship with yourself? And the big picture is that you do that like you would change your relationship with any other human being. I mean,

20:37

Have you ever been to couples counseling? What do they tell you? They tell you to spend time together, make a date night. They tell you to notice and compliment each other on good stuff. They tell you to adjust your communication, use eye language instead of saying, you’re an asshole. Just say, I feel frustrated. How does this translate to our internal dialogue? Instead of saying, I can’t do that.

21:07

my life is over. I’m bitter and resentful, or I’m anxious, or I’ll never change, I can’t change. I’ll never get this right, I can’t do that. Instead of saying all of that, again, recognizing our emotional experience is separate from our identity. Using I language, I am experiencing anxiety, or I am really experiencing disappointment. I...

21:33

experiencing fear, I am experiencing uncertainty. Just using language to distance yourself, detach yourself, separate your emotions from your identity allows you to get some perspective that your emotions are temporary. Even if you do nothing, this will pass. And when you say things like I am experiencing anxiety

22:02

Your brain’s listening, and your brain might sense that, okay, there’s a problem here that we can solve, and the problem is the anxiety. If you say, I’m anxious because, and you rattle off your story, you’re not giving your brain a chance to separate the external circumstance, which is always neutral, it is what it is, from your reaction to it.

22:27

which is I’m experiencing anxiety as a result of my thoughts about this. And so using language in your inside voice to, so when you catch yourself saying I’m anxious, I’m old, I’m bitter, I can’t change, come up and force yourself to do a redo, give yourself a redo. How else can I put that? Same way you do that in a relationship where you’re trying to adjust your communication.

22:56

You know, one thing that may sound crazy, and it’s not, is that you do need to have a dialogue with yourself. You can’t have a good relationship with somebody that you never talk to, or that you never make them laugh. I make myself laugh a lot. And often I’m like, nobody else thinks that’s funny, but we in here, all the people on my little funny committee in my brain, we think that’s hilarious. I crack myself up all the time. And one of the ways you can establish a

23:25

a sense of dialogue is to switch in and out of third person. And no, you’re not gonna end up on some obnoxious episode of Seinfeld. They had that episode where Jerry’s friend or somebody was always using his first name and it was weird. You don’t do this out loud, okay? But doing it in your head gives your brain kind of a conversation ball to bounce back and forth. It brings a level of consciousness to your inner dialogue.

23:54

You are aware and you can direct the conversation instead of just listening to the top 10 hits on You Suck Radio. You can take a more objective perspective to yourself as a human being. So Colleen’s having a tough day, what should we do for her? Or, you know, that really hurt Colleen’s feelings and God, I get that, that was a shitty comment. Or maybe it hurt her feelings and.

24:20

I understand why she’s sensitive because of all that crap that happened last year with this. You know, of course she’s sensitive. Like, let’s give her a break. Let’s see what she needs. I talk to myself in and out of first, second, and third person all the time, and it definitely gives me a sense of community. I’m not going to lie. It’s very, it keeps me in perspective that I’m a human. It reminds me that I matter as well. So

24:49

You know, in addition to communicating, how else do you change a relationship with a human being, which you are, is random acts of kindness. Do little things. Pick yourself up some flowers or pick some from the yard. Make your bed, clean out your car. Do the little things that you know you appreciate. And you can use your history with other people to identify what these little things are. And then do them for yourself. And...

25:18

As you hear me say that, there may be some resistance, like I don’t feel like it. Okay, yeah, you don’t have to feel like it. And in fact, you won’t feel the connection with yourself before you take the action. You won’t feel connected until you are walking into your bedroom and realizing you made your bed this morning, and then, oh my God, thank you for making my bed. And then thank yourself for making your bed.

25:46

Acknowledge the little things you do, just like you would with another person. You guys, this isn’t that complicated if you start thinking of yourself as a human being who appreciates little things and being noticed and being spoken to kindly, and having your feelings validated without necessarily buying in and throwing more shit on the fire. You just wanna feel seen and heard. Well, see and hear yourself. And that’s another thing.

26:16

is eye contact in the mirror. I tell you what, I can make myself cry. If I am having a hard day, I will go into my mirror and I will look at myself and I will be like, girl, oh my God, I am so proud of you. I’m so proud that you are choosing to do hard things. And even on days when I really didn’t do all the hard things and maybe that’s why I’m having a hard day,

26:45

I look at myself in the mirror and say, it doesn’t matter, you’re okay. You’re still my favorite person. You’re still worthy of love. And when you start treating yourself this way, even though it might feel a little distanced or outside third person or a little weird, your nervous system reacts to this. You are creating a safe space for yourself. So,

27:14

Make a list of small ways that you can show appreciation for yourself and do something every single day. Just a few little things or a few things a week and then thank yourself for doing them. Do it and thank yourself for doing it. You know, what are some little things? Take yourself to the bookstore or to the farmer’s market. But here’s the thing. Don’t do it because you have to.

27:44

because it’s a chore and you just have to get through it. Intention of the task matters. Just like when you do something for someone else, you get so much joy in going the extra mile, maybe creating something special, surprising that person. You get so much joy from that because your actions have meaning. And when you mean,

28:13

to do something special for yourself. And you don’t treat those tasks like chores, but instead have a sense that you are giving a gift, you’re giving a gift to yourself. Suddenly the energy that it takes to do those things is much less, it’s almost negligible. When you’re doing something for a person, a human being, it gives you joy. And that same

28:43

thought process, that same emotional connection to your efforts, applies when you’re doing it with yourself. I’m doing this right now because I decided that for my 50th birthday, I’m going to do a sprint triathlon. Each event in and of itself is not like anything crazy. I gotta ride 10 miles on a bike, I gotta swim 500 meters, and I gotta run a 5K. I’ve run marathons. I’ve...

29:12

ridden 20 miles on my bike without it even being a thing. So it’s not the actual event. It’s more the opportunity to give myself a reason to be training all summer long. The actual event, that’s my victory lap. I already will have completed the real event, which was three months of training in the summer. And instead of telling myself that I have to train.

29:41

I use that third party communication with myself and I think, okay, you know, we are doing this for Colleen because it’s really important for her on her 50th birthday to feel strong and capable like she’s still got it. It’s really important to Colleen to celebrate her birthday in this way, which means that today on July whatever, we’re going to go out and we’re going to swim 500 meters.

30:10

And then tonight, we’re gonna put in a two-mile run because we’re doing this for Colleen because she deserves it. She deserves to cross her birthday and a finish line in the same weekend. And when I frame it like that to myself, it no longer feels like something I have to do. It feels like, oh, you know, I’m focused on the joy I’m gonna experience, the gift I’m giving myself by participating in this.

30:38

And it just changes everything. Try it if you don’t believe me. And this speaks to your motivation. Why is it important to have a good relationship with yourself? Well, let’s talk about quality of life. The alternative is that you’re going to feel lonely and sad and scared and beat down all the time. The hard stuff that is going to happen to you will happen to you anyway.

31:06

wouldn’t it be better to go through life with a friend? You’re gonna have an identity. You’re gonna have a way that you think of yourself. And it’s all in your head anyway. Sorry, but identity is a mental construct. And so if you can think whatever you want about yourself, why don’t you just think that you wanna think good? It is so much more enjoyable to go through life with a compassionate headmate, if you will, your inner roommate.