Episode 285: Why a toxic coparent makes you want to drink (and what to do instead) with Divorce Coach Amy Armstrong
00:00
Here’s what nobody seems to understand about boundaries. They’re not about controlling someone else’s behavior. They’re about controlling your own. And I know what you’re thinking. I’m not the problem here. My ex is the problem. They’re either texting me 90 times a day or refusing to respond when I need something small. They talk shit about me. And they’re always trying to make me look bad in front of the kids. Well, here’s what I’ve learned.
00:28
And what my guest today is going to make crystal clear, the only person who has the power to upset you is you. It takes two people to engage in a conflict. You don’t need permission or approval to stand in your power, but you do need skills. And today I’m talking with Amy Armstrong. She’s a conflict resolution specialist and founder of the Center for Family Resolution.
00:53
She works with people in high conflict divorces and co-parenting situations. The kind where you feel like you’re losing your mind because this person just won’t stop. And here’s her radical approach. Stop focusing on trying to get them to stop. Start focusing on what you’re willing and able to do differently. Because here’s the truth. You might actually be addicted to the drama.
01:20
You might not actually know what you’d be doing instead if you weren’t fighting with your ex every single day. We’re talking about the difference between boundaries and requests and why blaming always backfires and how to take your power back when someone is actively trying to steal it. You’ll walk away with a clear understanding as to how to stop being a victim to somebody else’s bad behavior.
01:51
My name is Colleen and I’m a mindful drinking coach helping high achieving professional women permanently reduce their alcohol consumption by 80%. Join me each week for evidence-based holistic strategies to regulate your nervous system, balance your dopamine, and activate the growth mindset that makes you so powerful in other areas of your life so you can stop worrying about losing control and trust yourself again. Get happy, not sober. It’s not about the alcohol.
02:26
Amy, I’m so excited to have you on the show. Thank you for spending the time to be with us today. Would you do the honors and introduce yourself? Tell us who you are, what you do, and why you do it. My pleasure. Thank you for inviting me. So I’m Amy Armstrong. I did pretty much everything wrong when I was learning how to set boundaries in my own life. And so I’ve created just a sphere where I work.
02:56
with folks that are in either high conflict or just nagging, chronic conflict where they’re desperately looking for a way out. So my core belief is that life is supposed to actually be fun and enjoyable. Yes, we’re supposed to learn a lot of stuff along the way, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. And so my work is really to help people find how to...
03:22
do the things they need to do in life without being so miserable. All right. And specifically, do you work with people in the process of divorce? I sure do. So that is where my business started. And I actually developed quite a reputation around the country in domestic relations court. So most of the business actually comes from court orders.
03:49
Even though I’m looking more and more to work with people that are coming to me voluntarily, I have a team of coaches and we work with moms and dads if both are court ordered to work with us or both want to work with us. And the idea is that everyone wants good things for children and no one needs a lecture that they’re putting their kids in harm’s way by having a lot of conflict.
04:18
but they don’t have the how. And so my work and my practice, the Center for Family Resolution is the how. We work with moms and dads in creating the skills of handling the conflict so the children do not get dragged through the middle. So would you say that the root cause of conflict is a skill deficiency or is it other beliefs?
04:44
I have a couple of reasons for calling it a skill deficiency. The immediate reaction that people have, and I hope your listeners have, in hearing that it is a skill, is we don’t have to judge ourselves for having some kind of character flaw or deficiency that we don’t know how to manage conflict. I know in my own life, conflict was absolutely taboo. We didn’t talk back.
05:13
to our parents. When my parents bickered with each other, it was devastating. We never got to see resolution or how they listened to each other or resolved anything. It was only the prickly parts and none of the resolution. And so, yes, I like to think of it as a skill so that we don’t judge ourselves, but it also can be learned and rather quickly. Okay, so I’m open, always open.
05:43
to where I have a skill deficit. I love bridging the gap in my own ability. The problem when you’re in conflict though, correct me if I’m wrong, is it’s normally their lack of skills that are the problem. mean, let’s just be honest. enroll me in this idea that I can increase my skills and decrease conflict when I’m dealing with, you know, a bumble, bumble around guy that doesn’t have any skills.
06:13
enroll me in that. Right. One of the words I love the most is influence. We want to be able to influence even the people that bumble around and have no clue what we need or how to help us even if they wanted to. And they don’t care, maybe. Right. Exactly. So we want to increase our influence. And by controlling the things that we can control,
06:41
we end up increasing our influence and actually inspiring other people to treat us better. So the big myth is that creating a boundary or telling someone what you need often sounds like criticism, which is the anti-skill. That is the worst thing ever that we can do. Stay silent before you criticize. That said, nobody wants to squash their emotions or feel like they’re a doormat.
07:11
So the big skill is recognizing that we can actually take such good care of ourselves that we can show up in an authentic way that doesn’t put the other person down. And when we do that, we feel freer, we feel better, even if the other person doesn’t change their behavior at all, because they might not. m
07:33
So I remember from my own court ordered divorce school, one of the things I took away from it was it takes two to be in conflict and only one person to stop. I will take that one step farther. Nobody can insist that I’m in conflict. It’s only a conflict if you are upset. So if someone’s disagreeing with you and it’s going to cause a big disruption for you, you still don’t have to buy into it.
08:01
you still can go to that mindset of, don’t like this. I’m going to process my own emotions and I’m going to make some choices here. It’s only conflict if we’re fighting it, if we’re resisting it, if we’re buying in to the fact that that disagreement has to ruin our day, our week, our life. Yeah. I think for me, one of the biggest aha moments is some, think a coach asked me, you know, I was upset that my partner was upset and
08:31
The question was, well, why are you making their emotions a problem? Like, why can’t you just allow them to be upset? I’m like, well, because they’re not allowed to be upset at me. You know? It became personal. Yeah. Right. So you added meaning that the other person being upset said something about you that you didn’t like. Yeah. Or thought. Like, I could read minds. I’m really good at that. I can tell by the look on your face exactly what you’re fucking thinking.
09:00
And I’m not going to have it. having it. know in my own evolution, you know, I’m now divorced, but it was very amicable. My second divorce was. And I remember when I just stopped looking at his face and assuming that I knew what he was thinking and picking fights based on like, you’re not allowed to think that it’s like, you know what, if he doesn’t say anything, then, then there’s not actually a problem here. And that was liberating and also very weird.
09:30
to let go of... awkward. Yeah, to let, like, I know what you’re thinking, I can see it. Well, our brain, that’s our brain’s job. We know our nervous system’s job is to keep us safe. Our brain’s job is to make sense. And so we very quickly take bits of information, whether it’s a facial expression, maybe it is a verbal cue, and we instantly reach a conclusion about it. And here’s the story, and I’m sticking to it.
09:57
And so matter of fact, I have a funny habit with my new husband. He and I literally do this when we’re mad at each other about something. We start what we had to say with, can I tell you the story I’m making up about you right now? We use on the fact that we know we’re making it up, but it sure feels true. But it sets the stage to leave room, number one, for the other person and not take it so personally. And for us to remind our brains,
10:27
Hello, there’s more here. Yeah. And you’re short cutting. But let’s just say where we are right now, but leave a little bit of room for new information. I think that that is a beautiful thing. I saw that on Brene Brown’s special on Netflix, where she was in a Speedo wearing dumb goggles. And I think her husband and she had had some sort of disagreement. And she’s like, the story I’m telling myself is that I’m about to get a divorce and
10:56
I’m wearing a Speedo. That language of just acknowledging, I’m telling myself a story. And we always are. It’s our brain’s job is to keep the stories coming. Yeah. But with that, having a partner who allows you to give that to them, can you help me untie my story when you’re in a divorce?
11:21
you know, often it’s like, hey, I’m on the edge of the cliff and your partner comes up and he was like, well, let me just push you right off of that then. Exactly. Here, thanks for letting me know your tender spot so I can press on it. Right. So when you’re dealing with that sort of contemptuous relationship, where does somebody start to take their sanity back and take their power back? I love that question so much. Where does someone start to take their sanity back and their
11:49
power back. So number one is recognizing that caring is a good thing. It’s great that you’re actually human. You are not a robot. You’re supposed to have big emotions. You’re supposed to have levels of intensity where you flow in and out of different emotions in different moods. We just don’t ever want to depend on another person who isn’t actively caring for us to be our person to help us process that.
12:18
So don’t share with the person who doesn’t want you to do better in that moment, right? Because our ex might love it when we explode because that makes them look good, right? So we wanna be really clear to take amazing care of ourself and to be very clear who our support people are. And we really get two or three at the most people that get to hear the really, really ugly parts of us. So when I say self-care,
12:48
talk about it in terms of being proactive. Self-care is not what you do from the black hole when you’re depressed, when you can’t get out of bed. That’s another type of care. Self-care is you start your day and check in multiple, like five or six times a day. What am I feeling? What am I thinking about right now? How’s my energy? What actions are serving me right now? So that we stay ahead and don’t
13:18
ever let our stress get the best of us. We don’t ever get so depleted that we can’t keep a hold of ourselves when something pops out that we don’t like. We know that’s gonna happen. We have to stay ahead of us. So instead of blowing up when that text comes in, we wanna notice, I’ve got five minutes, I have seven minutes. I can actually do a little stretching or make an extra cup of tea.
13:48
or call that friend or pet my dog or just look up at the trees for a few minutes because that elevates our capacity to handle the difficult things that are inevitably going to come probably within the hour. I think that the word capacity there is such an important word to be aware of your own capacity to the point where maybe you see the text come in and you don’t read it because you know
14:17
there’s a 50 % chance it’s going to be a shit text, possibly higher, but let’s just go 50%. And knowing that you’re going to have a nervous system reaction, like the first thing might just be, I saw that text came in, I’m not opening it until I have the capacity to hold myself in a state of regulation before I jump into that.
14:43
Like I think so much of this can be prevented if you can know yourself and you know your capacity. Then unless the house is on fire and it’s a 911 call, you actually don’t have to look at that text right now. And be very, very compassionate about your capacity. So when it’s low, you’re not beating yourself up about it. What happens to a lot of my clients, Colleen, is they’re sharing children, whether they’re babies, young children, or teens. So often one parent
15:13
after the exchange, we’ll then send those texts or emails. And so you’ve just received the children for your parenting time and you start getting bombarded with these texts. Patterns emerge. We have to know this is probably coming. We can literally plan in the morning when we’re going to check texts and emails in the evening.
15:37
So I’m gonna wait till after I’ve dropped off at soccer practice, I know I’m gonna have a good 40 minutes that I can walk around the field and check this text. Don’t check it in the car right when the child is with you because inevitably you’re gonna snap. And then you’ve got all this making up to do to yourself and to your child. That would be an example of something you can control. can’t control when or what they text you. You can control when you look at it.
16:07
and then how you respond. And you can control where you’re sitting, what music you have, and what beverage you have in your hand that helps you remember, I’m taking in what I want to take in. I’m not at the mercy of whatever this person fires at me. Yeah. So this is sounding a lot suspiciously like boundaries, like setting boundaries. Let’s dig in to the difference. I know the way I teach it.
16:35
is there’s a difference between a boundary and a request. And a request is, you do this or not do that so that I can feel more comfortable? Basically, you are punting the responsibility of change onto someone else. so your power is in their hands because they can say yes, they can say no. A boundary though, explain the difference between a boundary and a request and what a boundary actually looks like. May I say first,
17:02
that requests are lovely with people who care about you. Yes, yes. It’s lovely to share that. Someone might want to help you, right? But you’re right. When we’re training a dog, you don’t want to teach your dog to come unless they’re in a lead that you can make them come so that they link coming with that request. Same thing with any boundaries. So the way I teach boundaries is boundaries are your boundaries. We don’t get to impose boundaries on other people.
17:31
So the boundary is what we are willing and able to do that we’re willing to follow through with every time. So like you said, it’s a request unless it’s something you’re willing to follow through with. So Colleen, I even work with folks who have experienced domestic violence and they might want to set a boundary that that person never show up on their front porch. I would probably feel the same way with someone who had attacked me. So our job is to set a boundary that says, um
18:00
I will call the police if you show up on my front porch and do it or don’t say you’re going to do it. So if someone wants to come in your house, whether it’s to exchange the time with the baby or whether it’s to visit with you, you get to decide who comes in your house figuratively and literally. And so we get to say where the yes is and where the consequences are going to be when
18:30
someone overextends what we have indicated. So for example, I had a woman who begged me to make her ex quit emailing her like, we’ll call it 90 times a day. It was probably only 25. And I told her, I can’t do that. And she’s like, wait a minute, that’s your job. And I said, actually, our job is to figure out your boundary. And she, to this day,
19:00
is delighted that she got permission from me to say to her ex, I will read on literally she said Wednesdays and Sundays at five o’clock, any emails that you send me up to the point that you are discussing anything other than the wellbeing of our children. So as soon as he starts telling her what an awful person or parent she is, she’s no longer responsible for the contents of that email.
19:27
and she’ll respond, you know, we’ll say within two hours. So that meant that all week long, he could send whatever he wanted. And she was gonna look through them and see if there was anything that needed responding to when she could be sitting in her easy chair with her boyfriend nearby and just check, check, check through those emails to see if there was anything the least bit relevant about her children. And it gave her so much power.
19:55
to just declare what she was willing and able to do, and he couldn’t do anything about it. And so he continued to berate her with emails for a while, but guess what? Eventually, he didn’t have any fun sending them anymore because she wasn’t reading them. So boundaries are what we are willing and able to do ourselves, right? So anyone in your life that is...
20:21
behaving in a way that you’re noticing a little bit of resentment, that’s your clue to be really clear what you’re willing and able to do that preserves your energy, that preserves your mood, right? So your child demands, you need to pick me up at work at 5.30. And you’re like, well, I don’t even get off work till 5.30. I’d be happy to pick you up. I’d look forward to seeing you. I can be there at 5.50. Yeah.
20:50
It’s actually a boundary. You don’t ever have to say, no, I’m not coming at 530 and don’t make that demand of me. You don’t have to say that. You just said, I’d be happy to be there by 550. It’s just so interesting because at least as a woman, I can think of so much anxiety and resentment that I’ve had in my life because people were making me do things. Making you, yes. And it’s like, if we could all just stop pretending that anybody
21:20
can make you do anything. And then you own your choices. I am responding in this way. I bending over backwards, why I’m not sure we do it. I think we were just culturally conditioned for that. But the idea that nobody can actually make you do anything is pretty freeing. It feels good to help a lot of times. We like.
21:44
Cooperative helping. It’s just we often expect the other person to reciprocate and it’s not necessarily a realistic expectation. I had an interesting experience with my stepkids where I was noticing that they weren’t setting some boundaries that I thought they should set, but they were completely aware of what they were doing, had chosen, you know what, this is easier and making my day
22:13
easier is more important than being authentic right now. And I was like, that actually is authentic. So there’s times when maybe I don’t want to do something, but I do it by choice, fully aware that it is my choice, just to create my own, kind of support the identity that I want to have for myself. Yes. But being aware that you’re choosing that eliminates then the resentment.
22:43
Exactly. think one of the most important things is to really get down to what you really want. Like your example with your client who wanted her ex-husband to stop emailing her. No, no, no, no, no. That’s not what you want. You want what you think that would make you feel. I want to feel at peace. I want to feel in control. I want to feel calm. It’s like you can skip. You don’t need a third party to change their behavior.
23:11
You have to change your own and just the fact that you don’t read those emails like to me that’s a brilliant thing because how many of us are like I would feel better and I would not be so stressed if that person would stop texting me Bullshit or stop emailing me a hundred times or whatever and it’s like I sometimes I see that on social media somebody will post like they’re annoyed with my content and I’m like you do realize you can scroll by uh You know, it’s funny about that woman is she actually ended up getting
23:42
so much power from not reading. It was like a benefit to her to build that muscle and practice every day that she saw them coming in and could remind her nervous system that nope, not reading it. It really ended up helping her feel like she had this ironclad protection because it was nothing anybody could take away from her. Yes. And I want to speak for all the crazy people out there. And that is
24:10
It can be so, it’s like a black hole and taking responsibility for the fact that you’re actually addicted to the stress hormones and that you wouldn’t actually know what to do with a peaceful day if Amazon frickin’ delivered it to your doorstep because you’re so used to getting your own dopamine from the fight. Like that’s a really much deeper hard look when you realize that you wouldn’t, the,
24:39
It’s not that you don’t have the ability to not look at the text. It’s that you don’t know what you’d be doing instead. Okay, I’m gonna take that in. That is so, that is a real gem. That is genius. Yeah, yeah. Because we do, we do, we get so used to our patterns and that becomes our identity. Yeah. I notice that a lot when people are using a lot of victim language.
25:07
And I, you know, yes, I can be a little judgy, right? But I think, wow, that’s a badge of honor you’re wearing right there, right? Look how rough you have it and look how... I notice this a lot with people who have elderly parents that they take care of. And I’m like, wow, there’s actually a lot of options around elder care. And, but I...
25:35
But I look at a lot of my friends, well, maybe they’re not working anymore. This kind of becomes their meaning or their purpose is to complain about having, you they can’t do this or that because they have to take care of their parent. And I just think, wow, that has many layers to it. And I never want to assume I know what their story is. But I definitely ask myself, I wonder what’s underneath.
26:02
that new identity that they’ve taken on about how they are trapped by taking care of a parent. It’s the absence of what they’d be doing instead. Power is very scary, or most more of us would have our power. Choice is who would I be? And also just at the identity level, you know, we identify as exhausted by all of the people that are just peopling on us all the time. need me.
26:29
And so when you think, who would I be if I didn’t identify as somebody who’s struggling with my ex partner? If I didn’t identify as exhausted because I’m going through a divorce, like you would have to know what you would be doing instead and be willing to let go of what’s not working. And that’s a very scary thing to be able yeah. I’m going to remember that as a question though, for coaching clients is when you think about what you’re longing for.
26:58
Let’s really consider what you would be doing instead if you weren’t like literally having this bent session. How hard you have it. What would it mean to be up to bigger and better things to the point where you don’t have the energy to care? Like they’re texting me again. Like that’s so sad. I’ll see them. I’ll look at that Wednesday at five, but you would have to be up to bigger and better things to actually not care.
27:26
I think so much that’s a missing, that’s the invisible component is in order to drop your attachment to the drama, you’d have to have something to replace it with. better to do. Yeah. It’s funny. I do ask a lot of clients if they like drama because I like knowing what they say to that so that I can then hold it up as sort of a benchmark. Yeah. To just land on the drama scale. I would have told you I’m not a big fan of drama.
27:55
And yet living in the biggest damn dramedy, comedy, tragedy in your life. But I didn’t identify as the drama queen. You know, I was just dealing with all of it. It’s a lot of introspective work. One thing you said before we started recording was how you have so much more energy when you focus on your yes instead of your no. Can you say more about that? Absolutely. A lot of people think that boundaries means saying no. And I adamantly oppose that.
28:24
because no tends to be about what the other person has done wrong, blaming them, judging them. It takes a lot of energy to keep that story intact, especially once you see that you actually have choice and power. And so the more we just tap right into what am I willing to do here? What am I willing to think, feel? What am I really able to do? We get good at that.
28:53
and then can do it in a second. Total freedom then to move on to different thoughts. Whereas when we say no and it becomes about what’s wrong, can’t believe that person is demanding so much of me. So much of our energy goes to keeping that story going. I personally am a big fan of freedom. The seasons are changing right now. I love walking to nature and just being in total awe of what’s going on around me.
29:23
and not focused on the minutia of he said, she said today. So I love the freedom to let my thoughts go way bigger than just the circumstances of my day. So personally, I prefer to just get really clear, what am I willing and able to do right now and do it. Get on with the business of doing it.
29:46
All right. So I want to put this into a context. It was actually a client, a little bit of a story and I’ll, I’ll blur the lines or the blur the edge of the year. She was saying how, you know, it’s Halloween week and she’s frazzled. They were getting the kids into the car and she asked her spouse to do something and he did it. But then she read his facial expression.
30:08
And he wasn’t happy about it. And her question was, I just don’t know how to let go. She’s like, I’m proud that I asked, even though I knew he’d be upset. I’m proud that, you know, I was, got what I needed, but I don’t know how to not be upset that he’s upset. So how can we apply the, what would she have to say yes to in order to not be so focused on what’s going on between his ears? Yeah. I love the story and I love my answer.
30:38
always the same answer, self-compassion. So we’re made up of parts, right? There’s a part of her that’s really proud of herself and a part of her that’s kind of pissed that he didn’t make it work better for her, right? So we wanna take our grownup part that is wise and able to step back and have a good perspective and have nothing but a hand squeeze self-compassion for the part of you that still doesn’t feel good about it.
31:08
Because once we get that, I see you and I’ve got you from our best self, that’s it. That metabolizes the emotion that helps us feel whole and right again. So it’s normal and actually important that we keep, you know, we’re going to always have a little critic inside of us. And we want to remind that we actually lead with our wise grownup self.
31:36
but we can still go back and have self-compassion for the part of us that’s really very disappointed. Okay, so what I’m hearing is that focusing on what he’s thinking and staying stuck with the frustration and arguing with the reality is actually kind of a strategy to prevent feeling the disappointment and the rejection she felt from him. Blaming is always defending is
32:05
always a strategy for self-protection that backfires. Say more. Yeah. So we, you know, we’re going to justify it. When we’re with our friends, they’re going to give us so much support to blame the other person. I personally think everything happened for me. I get to learn a new lesson. I get to build a new muscle.
32:36
Honestly, the nonsense, the drama that goes on is just that. It’s just drama. It’s going to pass and what’s gone tomorrow will be replaced by something else. So be a little bit selfish. What’s in it for me? Whenever you want to blame or defend, just hold up a mirror. What do I not want to see in myself? But the shortest, the shortest path to feeling better, to being better.
33:05
to being a better human and a better friend and a better parent and a better partner is always to go in first to self-compassion and then to self-reflection. We always put it in a container of self-compassion so that it’s soft. Nobody needs more hard criticism. We want to put it in a soft space so that we can go, yeah, there I was. Right?
33:33
So the things that annoy me about this person or that person are always my next growth edge. So again, we’re going to defend because it feels good in the moment. We like the chemicals that get, you know, fired in that moment. It does feel good to be right to blame. Of course, we all experience that probably a lot. It’s just a diversion though, from actually getting through that moment of, yeah,
34:02
I could actually be better. And then I’m, there I am again, more free. And realizing you have the power to make yourself feel better with compassion. Like you want somebody to see that he just hurt you and that he’s being a jerk and whatever. And it’s like, do that for yourself. Like I’m so sorry that you...
34:28
that you feel this way. Like I’m gonna see it. You don’t have to fight for somebody else to see you. And you don’t have to dismiss the injury. Right. At all. Yeah. It’s just that that didn’t feel great. And I’m gonna take a moment for myself to have compassion. I think compassion is such, it’s so much more complicated than it sounds because I think that we don’t really understand what it feels like to have compassion from ourselves because no one ever
34:57
taught us how to turn and just even use our inside narrator using language to have compassion for the part of me that’s hurting. It’s not something we’ve ever been taught to do. The experience can be quite elusive if you don’t have coaching or somebody to get it where you’re like, oh, I understand what it would be like to feel like I see myself.
35:26
and that it’s okay to be bothered by that. I have a fun tip about self-compassion that is so quick. And those of us who feel maybe a little, I don’t know if it’s selfish or, you know, to take care of ourselves, right? Use the term, of course. Of course I feel injured. Like, I find that that’s pretty easy to say. Of course I’m activated. Of course I got triggered by that, right?
35:54
That is self-validation, self-acknowledgement. But somehow, tell me what you think. The word, of course, doesn’t sound so self-aggrandizing. It’s just so simple. And matter of fact, to say, of course that hurt. Of course I didn’t like being dismissed or being called a name. I love that. I like to also use the phrase, it makes sense why. It makes sense.
36:23
I like that. Makes sense I would feel triggered by that. Yeah. And that is self-compassion. Right? You’re sitting with yourself, with understanding, with caring, with noticing. You can get a lot of mileage from that. Yeah, for sure you can. Good. All right. So just to, I want to button up and make sure we’re really clear on the difference between saying no and focusing on a yes. A yes is an answer to the question, what am
36:53
I willing and able to do right now. And you will get better and better and better at it with practice because our entrenched pattern is to push against what we don’t like rather than welcome what we do want. And it’s easier for the brain to be self-protective than to be longing and visionary. Right. But we can get really good at just that.
37:22
answer to that one question, what am I willing and able to do right now? That’s so, you know, what’s okay with me? It’s kind of a simple way to ask it. What would be okay with me right now? And I would even recommend doing that in advance, doing some of that work. You already know when you’re going to be triggered, exactly where you’re going to be, what it’s going to look like and what that stupid idiot says. You already know.
37:47
And so to do the work, like even right now, listening to this podcast, take a moment to forward yourself into this situation you know will happen and figure out what your yes will be in that moment. Because when you’re in overwhelm, when you’re stressed and someone’s activated your nervous system, you need, like I think of Alice in Wonderland, read me, eat me, do this, do that. Like you have to set yourself up.
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If you really want to change these patterns in the moment, you got to walk into that moment with a toolbox and know exactly what it looks like to focus on your energy on a yes. The time to figure out what your yes is, is not in the middle of a shit storm in your nervous system. Yeah. I love what you’re saying to experiment all the time.
38:38
Yeah, that’s so good. And I’d love to invite people to do it with me, especially if they’re involved in a co-parenting situation where the co-parent is just that constant trigger where they just are not taking care of the children. They’re putting them in the middle of conflict. They’re not meeting their needs. Maybe they’re even bad-mouthing you. uh Gosh, a lot of my clients have been just dragged through court and there’s financial.
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issues because of all the lawyer bills. And I just really invite people to get the support because honestly, it can make you feel like you’re going a little crazy when you’re always made out to be the bad guy and you know you’re not, but somehow this other person always manages to put you in a situation where you look bad and you’re defending yourself. And then it’s just spiraling down. does it look like to get support? Because I know so many people that
39:37
are in that exact situation. Their ex is always trying to make them look bad, speaking badly to the kids or other family members or just always showing up and just trying to knock them off balance. What does it look like? Yeah, it’s pretty structured. I’m a little bit challenging. I mean, I have videos that go along with the program where everyone is expected to have an extreme self-rescue plan. So we’re literally practicing five times a day.
40:07
doing those check-ins to make sure that we’re staying aware and mindful of how we’re doing. Then we’re looking at communicating in a way that is very brief and only the yeses. And it’s all personal responsibility. It’s here’s what I’m willing and able to do. It’s literally never here’s where you’re wrong. There’s no room for criticism because it’s just gonna repeat the old pattern that you don’t like.
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And so the group has weekly 90 minute calls and then the videos are all asynchronous that they can watch over and over and over again. think there’s 18 of them that help walk them through this process of extreme self care so that we’re not ever putting ourselves in a position to let somebody steal our joy, take our time and energy that we’re not willing and able to give.
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So the good news and the bad news, start with the bad news. You cannot change your partner and you’re not going to, or the person you’re in conflict. What you can change is how you show up. And just to full circle this conversation, if you’re struggling, good news, it’s a skill deficit. Yes. It’s a skill deficit, which means if you can read, write, follow directions, and you’re willing to prioritize your piece by...
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by moving through this skill deficit, getting the skills and the tools that you need, you absolutely 100 % can deal with, you know, what any person on the planet, if you are skilled enough to deal with it. That to me is horrible. Yeah. I appreciate it. And I appreciate your humor, Colleen, because that is a lot of what groups are all about, is literally being able
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to move in and out of the serious talk and what we can laugh about and what we can really step back and see is happening and what we need to address absolutely first in order to start to preserve our sanity and get kids out of the middle of conflict and get on a new path to empowerment. Why I love it. Can you tell us anybody that wants to find more or work with you where to go? Yeah, sure. So I have a website and that’s the Center for Family Resolution.
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and on there is a link to the moms group and a contact form to come to me directly. And then I also have a TikTok channel that is Amy Armstrong Conflict Free. And gosh, I don’t know how many I’m up to, but there’s hundreds of videos that talk about co-parenting and how to take really good care of yourself so that your ex does not have access to your power. Thank you so much. I’ll put the links to that in the show notes. Thank you so much, Amy. Thank you. My pleasure.
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All right, that’s it for this week’s episode. Thank you so much for listening. And if you found this episode helpful, do me a favor and leave me a review or make a comment on Spotify. Just let the algorithm know that this content was worth listening to. And then if you know somebody who needs to hear this, please take the time to text the episode to a friend or share it on your socials. Because when people are struggling,
43:23
They don’t have the bandwidth to go looking for the answers. They might not even know the questions that they’re supposed to be asking. And if this episode opens something up in your mind, it probably will do the same with somebody else. And that’s the equivalent of throwing somebody a lifeline when you can give them a different perspective or a path forward or an idea of skills that they can get. Like it’s so empowering to know that when you are stuck in conflict with another person,
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that you are not a victim. You just have a skill deficit. And I want to be clear that this is the type of work we do in my program. Obviously, I’m not specifically for women who are going through a divorce or dealing with high-conflict co-parenting. I am for women who may be dealing with that and drinking as a way of coping. And the way you drink is not lining up with
44:16
how you want to show up. It’s not serving you. It’s not a rinse and repeat situation where you’re going to wake up in a year or five years and be happy with the decisions you’re making. And you just feel like you’re underwater. And what I know from doing this work is that admitting you’re not OK is actually the first step to being OK. Raising your hand and saying, I could use some support, I need help, is actually a sign of strength, not weakness.
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Because again, when you’re struggling, you don’t have the bandwidth to see the bigger picture or to do the mindset work. You need somebody to provide you with a reflection of where you’re at. You need somebody to give you guidance and support. And in my program, I map out all of the pitfalls for not only overcoming alcohol use disorder, but for taking your power back, for getting emotionally sober. Emotional sobriety is when you’re no longer intoxicated,
45:11
by bullshit, your own or anybody else’s. And so if you are ready to start doing this work for whatever reason, and you’re gonna need to reduce your drinking in order to do the work, then take an action right now. Get in the show notes and click the link to apply for a discovery call. You don’t have to decide if you’re joining my program or if my program is right for you. You have to decide what day and time you can attend your discovery call. That’s your next step.
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and whether you decide to join my program or not, you will walk away with a very clear roadmap for where you’re at and clarity about where you want to be and then the skills that you need to acquire to get there. The coolest thing is that you can get what you want when you know what you want. And one hour of coaching can drastically transform your perception of what it is that you actually want. That’s the power of coaching. You may think,
46:08
I want to drink less. Know my friend, what you really want is to feel more powerful and in control and clear about who you are and where you’re going and what your boundaries are. That’s the power of coaching. So get into the show notes and click the link if you are at all interested in putting yourself into a program where you actually have to do the work. There’s homework, there’s weekly meetings, there is a curriculum and a syllabus. And over the course of one year,
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we can help you move from where you are stuck and maybe hung over to where you want to be, which is up to bigger and better things so that you’re not constantly obsessing about how much you did drink or how much you want to drink or what your ex or your partner said or did, or you’re just existing in reaction mode. When you’re up to bigger and better things, ain’t nobody got time for all that. And I can tell you from personal experience, there is nothing more liberating.
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than shifting your attention and your energy away from all the problems that are keeping you stuck into all of the solutions that open your heart and move your ass forward. So if you are struggling, then just click the link in the show notes and take the next step. Otherwise, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being a part of this community. I appreciate you so much. And I’ll see you on the next episode.