Ep 357: Your drinking isn’t self-indulgent. It’s self-denial. Here’s the difference.

[00:00] My house is on the market, and this is the house where I have raised four kids and three stepkids over the last 13 years.

[00:08] And while my youngest daughter is finally back at college, and for the first time in my whole entire life, I’m actually living all by myself, I’m still not footloose and fancy free, because I am managing an almost 10,000 square foot seven bedroom home filled with stuff that everybody has left behind, books and old clothes.

[00:29] If you need any prom dresses, give me a call, or musical instruments.

[00:33] I have closets full of crap, and I have no idea whose it is or what it’s for.

[00:38] And recently, I decided that after two marriages and 29 years of motherhood, I’m done holding the bag for everybody else.

[00:47] But the very thought of extracting myself from this money pit was terribly overwhelming.

[00:54] And so I decided to do what we did when my mother-in-law passed away.

[00:59] I just hired an estate.

[01:00] Sale person to come in and just get rid of 95% of everything because I want to pick out some new stuff for my new place.

[01:09] And so for a few months now, the gal I hired, Karen, shout out to Karen, she’s been organizing and selling pieces of furniture and beds and bedding and artwork and exercise equipment, even the baby grand piano.

[01:22] Like I am just letting everything go.

[01:25] And it was about a month ago now where she told me that someone had put in an offer on my bedroom set.

[01:32] And the offer was less than what she thought it was worth, but the furniture was really, really heavy.

[01:38] And the buyers were going to have to hire professional movers at their own expense.

[01:42] And so she thought that the offer was good enough and we should take it because we might not get another one.

[01:47] Now.

[01:48] My house has not sold yet.

[01:51] I’m still going to need somewhere to sleep, but I didn’t want to tell Karen to hold off on the sale because that’s not fair to her, and I pride myself on being really easy to work with.

[02:02] She has told me all about her other difficult clients who are wishy-washy and nitpicky, and they make her job harder than it has to be, and I just wanted to prove that I am not like that.

[02:13] So I said, fine, let’s do it.

[02:16] And I figured I’d just tough it out until the house sells because it’s not like I want to buy a new bedroom set for this house.

[02:23] That would defeat the whole purpose.

[02:25] And so there I was at my desk in the middle of my workday, and the movers come, and they take my bed away, and I didn’t even think about it till bedtime.

[02:32] That’s when I walked into my now empty bedroom and realized, oh shit, I actually need a place to sleep.

[02:39] But there was no place.

[02:41] All of the other bedrooms are already empty.

[02:43] And so I ended up pulling some lumpy ass mattress that was disgusting out of the attic.

[02:48] And I made a bed on the floor in one of the upstairs bedrooms, where, of course, it’s hotter because it’s summer.

[02:54] And not only did the divot in that mattress literally try to kill me, or at least swallow me whole, I was also just displaced because my bathroom and all my stuff are downstairs.

[03:05] And so I’m having to pack a go bag and my phone charger and go try to sleep slash not sleep in another part of the house.

[03:14] And I did that for a full seven days.

[03:18] I would wake up and tell myself a stupid, sad story about how much it sucks that I don’t even have a bed anymore.

[03:25] And in seemingly unrelated news, you won’t be shocked to hear that I actually did drink more that week than I ever do, than I have in months, which in hindsight makes perfect fucking sense because it’s not like I was looking forward to going to bed.

[03:40] And I promise you I’m going to tell you what this episode is going to be about, but here’s the part of the story that matters.

[03:47] If this had been Somebody else’s bedroom suite, one of my kids, one of my ex-husbands, or a friend, or anybody, if you were staying at my house and Karen came and said that your bedroom suite was gonna get sold, I would have told her no without batting an eye.

[04:05] I would have said, I’m sorry, the timing isn’t gonna work out, it’s just too soon.

[04:09] And if the offer had been really good and was worth taking the money now, then I would have immediately ordered you, my friend, a brand new bed, or at least a basic frame with a nice mattress.

[04:21] Because I have never had any trouble telling somebody no or spending money on behalf of other people.

[04:28] If somebody needs something, I am not indecisive or hesitant.

[04:33] I’m a fucking baller, and I’m just gonna go make it happen.

[04:37] But as a woman, I was never trained to think about and prioritize my own needs the same way I do for other people.

[04:45] It’s a legit blind spot, which is why it took me a full week, seven days in a row, to realize that I was just following some dumb, made-up rule that Colleen isn’t allowed to order a new bed until her house sells, because I guess it’s too much trouble, her needs aren’t that big of a deal, it’s not going to be worth the effort.

[05:07] And what’s crazy here is that it’s not like I couldn’t afford a new mattress or that I don’t care about my sleep.

[05:14] It’s not like I have low self-esteem or a really high pain tolerance.

[05:18] It just literally did not occur to me that I had any other option than to just tough it out and stick to the plan.

[05:26] And what I got to relearn that I teach all of you every week is the hidden cost of denying myself, of minimizing Or straight up ignoring my own needs, my own comfort.

[05:41] The decision that I made that Colleen could just tough it out and suck it up because hey, she’s the one that sold the bed, so I guess now she won’t be lying in that bed.

[05:51] And because of that, that entire week I had less bandwidth, I felt so much more overwhelmed, I had less creativity, I had less momentum on all my projects, I was less present for my clients and my team, I had less patience for my little puppy.

[06:09] In general, I was just more negative and more self-absorbed that week.

[06:14] And that’s not because I’m a negative or self-absorbed person.

[06:17] It’s because I wasn’t optimizing for my own success.

[06:22] I was operating on a deficit.

[06:24] I had given myself a legit handicap.

[06:27] And it is real hard to thrive when you are grumpy and tired and sore because your basic needs aren’t being met.

[06:35] And like I shared, yeah, My alcohol consumption ticked up significantly that week.

[06:40] And here’s what I want you to see.

[06:43] The extra wine that I drank that week was not self-indulgence.

[06:48] It was a symptom of the fact that I wasn’t taking good care of my bestie, Colleen.

[06:54] I was forcing her to go through every day with less than what she needed.

[06:59] And before we go any further, I just want to be clear about something, because I know how all this sounds if you’ve spent years thinking that you have a drinking problem.

[07:10] I’m not going to tell you that you’re drinking too much.

[07:13] I’m not going to tell you that you are using alcohol to avoid your feelings.

[07:17] I’m just going to tell you that if you zoom out and look at the big picture, your drinking does make sense.

[07:23] And that’s not me helping you make excuses.

[07:26] It’s me describing the mechanism.

[07:29] There is a reason that pouring a drink in the evening not only feels like a relief, it makes logic.

[07:37] Reasonable sense.

[07:38] You do deserve it.

[07:40] You are putting up with a lot of shit.

[07:43] But here’s the bad news slash awesome news.

[07:46] You’re the one putting yourself through a lot of shit.

[07:49] That’s why I’m telling you the story about my bed, because it’s the perfect example of how we make up rules for ourselves.

[07:58] And a lot of the rules that we’re following, we’ve been following for decades, and somebody handed them to us as a child.

[08:06] And I don’t care if you had the best parents in the world or the worst parents, it doesn’t matter.

[08:10] You were taught to follow rules.

[08:13] You were taught what it means to be reasonable and responsible, what is important or qualifies as a need, and what is not important and qualifies only as a selfish want.

[08:25] And that’s what we’re going to talk about in this episode, how the perfectly normal rules that we are taught to follow in childhood follow us into adulthood to where we become Aged women who automatically shortchange ourselves without even thinking about it.

[08:43] We’ve been running a lifelong pattern, a habit, where we’re always adjusting and minimizing or ignoring our own needs and our feelings and our desires for the sake of following the rules, the plan, staying on schedule, not rocking the boat, and making sure everybody around us is comfortable and happy, even when it’s at our own expense.

[09:05] And I am making the case in this episode for you to see that that is what is driving our drinking, the fact that we are chronically depleted over time.

[09:15] And this is why it feels so hard to change your drinking when you finally decide it’s time and you’re going to do something about it and you’re going to make a plan, because it’s not your drinking that needs to change.

[09:27] If you were in the habit of taking your own needs more seriously, you would drink like somebody who takes her own needs more seriously.

[09:35] Like, it is really that Simple, which means that this isn’t about one habit.

[09:40] It’s the hundreds of little habits, the seemingly inconsequential sacrifices and the delays and the self-denials that seem so logical and practical in the moment, but then they add up to you not having the time or the energy or the give a fucks that you need at the end of the day or the week to properly take care of yourself.

[10:02] It’s like you’re trying to drive through your high-speed life without ever having to stop for gas.

[10:08] And most of us understand that we should be doing more for ourselves.

[10:13] And yet there’s that damn no-do gap where knowing what you should do does not mean that you’re actually doing it.

[10:20] Because when it finally comes time to do the thing that you promised yourself you were going to do, let’s say it’s just take that walk, or call the friend that you keep meaning to call, or book that appointment that you’ve been putting off, or have that conversation that you don’t want to have, that you’ve been avoiding, or just get showered and dressed and out the door on Saturday morning for the thing you signed up for.

[10:44] You already know these things would be good for you.

[10:47] The issue is that every single one of those little things feels like the one more hard thing that you are adding to the end of the day or the week that has already been full of hard things.

[11:01] And when the hard thing is just for you, your brain has a different set of rules.

[11:08] And every rule that we follow, and I’m going to give you some examples here in a minute, but every rule that we follow has two different versions.

[11:15] There’s the go rule and the no-go rule.

[11:18] The go version of the rule leads to an automatic yes when someone else needs something, and the no-go version of the rule leads to an automatic no, or at least a hesitation or a delay when it comes to something you need.

[11:35] So let me give you an example of some of the rules that we were taught as kids.

[11:41] Things like, don’t rely too much on other people.

[11:44] Suck it up and don’t bother anybody.

[11:47] You can rest once your work is done, young lady.

[11:50] Don’t be lazy.

[11:52] you shouldn’t do that because what will other people think?

[11:56] And hey, if you make a commitment, you’re not allowed to quit.

[12:00] Don’t make a scene.

[12:01] You need to be the bigger person.

[12:03] Don’t embarrass the people around you.

[12:05] And for God’s sake, don’t get too big for your britches and stop making this all about you.

[12:11] I mean, right?

[12:12] Have we all heard those and thought those and said those to other people?

[12:16] We probably heard it from our parents.

[12:18] We’ve probably said that shit to our kids.

[12:20] We have become programmed to think and operate on these rules.

[12:26] So let me explain how my bed situation was me following a rule.

[12:32] The rule was that if something is just for me, it’s really not important.

[12:37] Don’t make a big deal about it.

[12:38] And then that rule had two different faces.

[12:42] The go version of that rule was pointed at Karen, because she’s the other person that was involved here.

[12:48] And the go version of that rule is that if it’s for somebody else, then it is important.

[12:53] So in this situation, that translated to me thinking that Karen, my estate planner, needed me to let go of my bed, the only bed that I had to sleep in for now, so that her job could be easier.

[13:05] So the rule that if it’s just about me, it isn’t important, and then the go rule fired automatically when Karen said, I think this is a good offer and we should take it, I said yes, without even thinking about it, because I wanted to make her life easier.

[13:20] My needs aren’t important.

[13:21] And then, of course, the no-go rule that I lived with for seven freaking days was, well, Just because I want it now, that like it doesn’t justify me paying movers to move it in one month or three months or six months or whenever the hell my house is going to sell.

[13:37] The no-go rule that fired automatically to the point where I had not even consciously questioned it was that my sleep, my quality of life over the foreseeable future is not worth the extra time and money and energy that it would take to order a new bed now and then move that bed when it comes time to move.

[13:59] And I just want to say that I have one of the best jobs in the world because I get to watch myself and I get to learn from my own silly, stupid things that ever I’m doing.

[14:12] I get to learn from my mistakes.

[14:14] And, you know, I noticed that week that my drinking was up.

[14:18] I don’t normally think on a Tuesday night, oh, I think I’m going to have a glass of wine tonight.

[14:22] That sounds good.

[14:23] And then do it again on Wednesday.

[14:25] I don’t normally have that.

[14:26] It’s not like I never have, it’s not my first day here at band camp, but I know better than to think that the drinking is the problem.

[14:35] I know better than to assume that I’m just running short on discipline or willpower or motivation.

[14:42] I know that when my brain starts playing the alcohol commercials, there’s a reason for that.

[14:47] My brain is trying to help me solve a problem.

[14:50] The problem that week was that my pants were on fire and I was in too big of a damn hurry and I had too much on my plate and I wasn’t taking any time to process and think because I was pushing myself because the other rule I like to follow is I’ll relax when I’m dead, or at least I’ll relax when everything is done and done well and perfectly and right.

[15:11] And I’ve talked on here before about how I’ve had little relapses into my old habits and I gotta tell you, I am not embarrassed that I drank every single night for a week again last month.

[15:23] What I’m embarrassed is it took me seven days to stop.

[15:26] Pretending that there was any reason other than my own lack of concern and consideration for myself that was causing me to not have a bed to sleep in.

[15:38] And so what does my sleeping arrangement have to do with your drinking?

[15:44] Well, out of all of this, I decided to create a live three-day event that I am calling Get Happy, Not Sober.

[15:53] And we’re kicking it off this Friday, September 11th.

[15:56] It’s going to be three sessions over three days.

[15:59] Friday, 3 p.m.

[16:00] Eastern, Saturday, 3 p.m.

[16:02] Eastern, and Sunday at noon Eastern.

[16:05] The first session, day one, we’re going to go over these go rules and no-go rules.

[16:10] I’m going to give you a self-assessment where you’re going to measure the gap between what you’re willing to do for other people and what you’re willing to do for yourself.

[16:20] We’re going to do it over five different categories, and you’re going to narrow down one area of focus.

[16:25] Then we’re going to cover The rules that are causing that gap, including the go rule version, the automatic yes for everybody else, and the no-go version, the automatic no for yourself.

[16:38] And while we’re not going to solve all of the problems, because this isn’t about one little habit, there are hundreds of habits, but you’re going to pick one area of focus, and by the end of Friday’s workshop, you’re going to walk away with a one-sentence explanation that explains why your relationship with alcohol is out of balance.

[16:57] And I promise you, it’s not going to have anything to do with how much you love to drink.

[17:03] Then, the second day of the event, you’ll have an option.

[17:06] If you do your basic registration, you will do the mindful drinking experiment on your own, and you will get that in the workbook with full instructions.

[17:16] If you register as a VIP, you can come and join me live on Saturday at 3 o’clock Eastern, where we’ll do the mindful drinking experience live.

[17:25] We’re going to have Drink together, and then I’m going to coach you in real time on the biphasic effects of alcohol, and also help you see, based on what we uncovered on Friday, help you see where your thought processes are causing you to disconnect from your felt experience.

[17:48] You’re unplugging your brain from your body, and you’re letting your brain tell you what you think you need and want, and you’re not feeling what’s going on in there.

[17:58] You know, with the biphasic effects of alcohol, what I teach is your buzz is like a bucket.

[18:04] Like, once it’s full, it’s full.

[18:05] You can’t actually get any higher.

[18:08] And the reason why we keep drinking is because we’re not feeling what’s going on in our body.

[18:14] We’re not paying attention.

[18:15] We’re not present.

[18:16] And so the day two mindful drinking experience live with me is for VIPs only, because I can only coach so many people.

[18:24] We have to limit those spots.

[18:25] So if you want one, You want to work directly with me on that call, then you better get it now.

[18:31] And then Sunday, we’re going to come back together, reconvene.

[18:35] So we will have done the workshop, we will have done the mindful drinking experiment, whether you’re doing it with me or doing it on your own.

[18:42] Sunday will be coaching and questions as we integrate how your gap in self-care, your go rules and your no-go rules, combined with a lack of presence with yourself when you’re actually drinking, have caused you to wake up to this reality of like, I can’t stop drinking once I start, or I drink every night, and I know that’s not good for me, and I don’t want to do it.

[19:09] Like, by the time you walk away from this three-day live event, you will have a completely brand new understanding of where the real problem is and where you need to put your focus.

[19:20] Because I’m telling you, the bottom line, the big mistake that all of us high-achieving, goal-oriented People make is that when we realize we’re drinking too much, we try to reduce our drinking instead of seeing our drinking as a direct offset to unmet needs in other areas.

[19:40] So if you are a high achieving professional woman who is really interested in reducing your drinking with mindfulness instead of willpower and a holistic approach that takes your whole life How you operate, how you think, how you make decisions, what you pay attention to, all of that matters because the way I teach mindful drinking, the way I show you and guide you out of this dependence or addiction or whatever you want to call it, the way I teach it is not behavior change.

[20:18] This isn’t about drinking two drinks on Friday and two drinks on Saturday and never during the week.

[20:23] Like, it’s not about behavior change.

[20:25] It’s about you becoming the version of yourself who feels relaxed and complete and satisfied all by yourself in your body from the time you wake up in the morning till the time you go to bed.

[20:38] And when you feel urges or when the alcohol commercials start playing in your head, you’re not intoxicated by the stupid stories of what it is that you need and why you don’t have or why you feel the way you do or whatever it is.

[20:52] Like, you’ve got to learn how to read your own body language.

[20:56] She speaks energy, not English, and you’ve got to stop believing everything you think.

[21:01] And that is the work that I do.

[21:04] That is the work we do inside the Next Chapter program, which is my one year long high level coaching, life coaching program for women who want to reduce their drinking with mindfulness and not willpower, so that they don’t have to worry for the rest of their life that they either need to avoid alcohol or they have to try to control themselves.

[21:24] No, you have to become the version of you who has a less is more attitude when it comes to alcohol, because you have a less is more attitude when it comes to everything, because you are not being held hostage by a bully in your brain that tells you you’re never allowed to stop, you’re never allowed to relax, and for God’s sake, no, you may not buy a new mattress until your house sells, young lady.

[21:45] You know, it’s fun to do this work, and I’ll also be honest, it’s not for everybody.

[21:50] If you’re looking for a quick fix or you think you just want to get sober, then this is Not for you.

[21:57] This event is called Get Happy, Not Sober.

[22:00] And the day two event is the Mindful Drinking Experience.

[22:03] So whether you buy a VIP ticket or not, you’re still going to have drinking homework.

[22:07] So I just want to make that clear.

[22:09] And it’s going to be fun.

[22:10] I do the Mindful Drinking Experiences at least once a month in my program, and they are really powerful.

[22:17] So I highly recommend you do a VIP ticket if there’s any left, and you can swing it.

[22:22] But that’s it for this episode.

[22:23] Your homework now, if you choose to accept, is to get registered for the event and join me live Friday, Saturday, Sunday, September 11, 12, and 13.

[22:32] Plan on about 90 minutes for each session.

[22:35] I’m trying to get it in under 60 minutes, but I’m long-winded, and people have questions, so plan on 90 minutes.

[22:42] So get in the show notes, click the link, and get registered.

[22:45] Otherwise, thank you so much for listening.

[22:47] If you know somebody who would benefit from hearing this episode or benefit from knowing about my three-day event, then please share the episode.

[22:56] If you’re a newer listener, make sure that you hit the subscribe button or the follow button, whatever platform you’re on, so that I start showing up in your feed.

[23:05] Okay, and that’s it.

[23:07] I hope to see you this weekend, but if I don’t, I’ll see you on the next episode.

[23:10] Thanks for being here.