Episode 245 Minisode: You Don’t Have To Think About That
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If you’re stuck in a cycle of over drinking, you need to understand that the problem is absolutely not your lack of willpower. Just imagine what might shift for you if you extended yourself some grace and started with the assumption that you’re actually doing the very best that you can given the stress you’re under. Because if that was your starting point, then it would open the door to curiosity and self-compassion.
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Because instead of seeing yourself as the problem, you see your environment as the problem, and you start asking yourself higher level questions like, what would change if I prioritized my own sense of peace? And what would I need to let go of to make that possible for myself? You’ll walk away with a clear understanding that the solution to your drinking problem is actually a feeling. If you felt more at peace, you would drink like somebody.
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who feels at peace. But you can’t fight for peace and expect to win.
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My name is Colleen and I’m a mindful drinking coach helping high achieving professional women permanently reduce their alcohol consumption by 80%. Join me each week for evidence based holistic strategies to regulate your nervous system, balance your dopamine and activate the growth mindset that makes you so powerful in other areas of your life so you can stop worrying about losing control and trust yourself again. Get happy, not sober, it’s not about the alcohol.
01:43
When you’re trying to change the way you drink without completely quitting and starting over, one of the things that you notice, or I’m calling to your attention now, is that sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it’s harder. And getting really big picture bird’s eye view about what makes it easier and what makes it harder.
02:08
and trying to learn from what goes right when it goes right, as opposed to always focusing on where you fucked up and why. But actually, what made it so that I was able to have a sober evening or I was able to stop after one or two glasses and getting really curious about what that is, is the key to building on that and expanding that so you get more of those results, okay?
02:37
And that’s the opposite of what we’re used to doing. Why am I screwing up? And then you’re creating all this shame and guilt and keeping yourself stuck in a stress response where alcohol is both the problem and the solution. And so, you know, if you’re making it a problem, how much you’re drinking, whether it be in a setting or frequency overall, then you’re just continuing to perpetuate the problem. Hear this. The more you think about the problem, the more you’re perpetuating the problem.
03:06
the more you focus on what you don’t want, somehow, oddly enough, the more you get more of what you don’t want. And even when you’re able to avoid what you don’t want through willpower and discipline and all of that, it’s really only a matter of time because willpower is a limited resource. It’s only a matter of time before you’re gonna find yourself back in the old habits. And so really stepping out of yourself and your thought processes themselves,
03:35
and looking at what is leading up, what is upstream to drinking or over drinking when that is not what you desire to do. What is causing that? It really does boil down to the state of your nervous system and all the stories in your head that are capturing your focus and attention that are creating the state of your nervous system.
04:03
The last few episodes of Coffee with Colleen have been focused on, you know, choosing the emotional state that you want to feel with intention, naming the emotions, and then kind of creating that, visualizing that. As I said, I do that first thing in the morning. And this really does work. And I want to just explain like what’s been going on in my life lately. And I’m just stopping for a moment to see how much progress.
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I have made so that it can motivate you to continue to do this work and also expand your awareness of what’s even possible. You know, if you don’t know something is possible, you don’t know to ask for it. You know, hey, Santa, I didn’t know I could just ask for, you know, this kind of life or this kind of car or this kind of job. Like if you don’t even know it’s possible, then you don’t know how to ask for what you want. so often on our group coaching calls, there’s
05:02
there’s questions off topic from alcohol, you know your relationship with your mom or conflict with your partner or Something that you don’t like about your job that is pulling so much of your focus and again focusing on the problem perpetuates the problem and My other favorite quote the mindset that sees the problem can’t solve the problem
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the mindset that sees the problem is actually creating the problem. And so when you are caught up in your problems, the best question to ask is, why am I making this a problem? And then the follow-up is, why am I making this a problem right now? You think about like when you’re in conflict with somebody, the actual conflict, the occurrence of the disagreement or the discomfortable confrontation.
06:00
occurs over a finite very small window of time and Then you realize how much time you spend thinking about it before and after and Regurgitating it and going over it like you have to realize that is all optional Why are you making your relationship a problem? Why are you making someone else’s opinions or feelings a problem?
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Why are you making something that happened in the past a problem? Why are you ruminating in stories that are causing distress and dysregulation and blocking your joy and happiness and forward focus that would allow you to take actions that cause more happiness in the future? I mean, just pulling up not even to a bird’s eye view, but to like a satellite point of view.
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so much of the content of your thoughts is causing the habitual anxiety and stress that you are living in. And all of the content of your thoughts, 99 % of it anyway, is optional. You don’t have to think about it. And that is where total radical ownership over what you’re allowing to be
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focus of your brain, the songs that come on the radio that you just keep singing along to, you have to own that you are the cause and also the solution of your own stress most of the time. And while that’s not 100%, it’s a lot closer to 100 % than you want to even admit. The solution to the problems that you spend time thinking about
07:54
is to stop trying to solve those problems and move into acceptance. It is what it is, now what? What’s next? And when I do a quick inventory of my own progress, like the invitations I have had in the last few weeks to spend time talking and thinking and worrying about the dramas that in prior times of my life would have jacked me the fuck up.
08:25
And now I just don’t think most of it’s any of my business. I’ve got my first ex-husband going through a divorce and there’s a lot of drama with him and his soon to be ex and our kids and their feelings about all of it. And I feel this minor little tug of, maybe I should give him a call and see how I can support or give the ex-wife a call and offer to mediate some of this or.
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talk to my kids about processing their feelings or whatever. And you know what? I’m doing none of it. None of it. It’s not my business. It’s not my problem to solve. I don’t need to make it my problem to solve. I can have compassion and empathy and then I can go back to living in my own chosen mental reality and focus and emotional states. My most recent ex-husband is having all sorts of problems and
09:21
things that the old me would have wanted to wade in with him and help him or talk to him or point out where he’s his own stupid fucking problem. And also, not my business. If I can answer a question or listen with empathy or offer some advice, should someone ask me, which very few people actually do, I might do that, but I am not allowing myself to think about it beyond the present moment
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When I am asked a question or when I am presented with some information and most of the time with the information, I just go flush it. I just take it and flush it. That’s not my problem to carry. That’s not my rock to put in my backpack. And my backpack is really light these days. And I am existing in a state of not just pleasure and joy and contentment and excitement for what I’m doing.
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Not just those things, but I’m also existing in a state of power. Like I feel so powerful to be able to manage my mind, to be able to choose what I am paying attention to. You know, another example, my friend that I went on the walk with this morning was talking about the presidential debates last night. Oh, guess who just unsubscribed from all of that? I’ll vote on the day that I have to go vote.
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But I am not going to bother myself one little bit, nor am I going to listen to all the other people that are so bothered. I got things to do. I got things to create and experience. And polluting my consciousness with shit that I can’t change, can’t control, and only jacks me up is no longer on my list of things to do today. So I just encourage you, when we look at the question,
11:17
you know, why is it that I’m drinking too much in the evening? The answer is because of all the shit you’re thinking about that dysregulates your nervous system and takes you out of that intentional living where you are choosing your focus, choosing your goals, choosing your emotional state, and then practicing getting into them because you have the desire and also the skill.
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to let all that other shit just go. And that’s a decision you have to make. Do you wanna be happy or do you wanna be right and informed? Like, that’s your choice, but it is a choice. You have a choice. That’s your power.
12:04
All right, thanks for listening. And if you’re a high achieving, coachable woman who is ready to commit to manifesting your best life, and you’re going to need to reduce your alcohol consumption by about 80 % so that alcohol goes back to being a pleasure instead of a soul sucking problem, get in the show notes and click the link and schedule a discovery call with me or my team.