Episode 275 Minisode: What’s Really Holding You Back?
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During the decade where I was drinking every day, I believed that the life I had was the best I could do. Hell, it was more than I deserved. I did want to be more than a wife and a mom. I just didn’t think I had the capacity. So I poured myself a drink every night, thinking that it was an act of celebration, a reward for just being good, when in reality, it was an act of settling. I was telling myself a story that my role as a homemaker was noble.
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I was providing a stable life for my kids. When I sent the Christmas pictures out every single year, I was reminded that I had no right to feel anything but grateful. And that’s why I ended up drunk every night, because while I was grateful, I was also over it. But I was too afraid to change the rules in my life that were no longer working for me, because I thought I was too old, and it had been too long since I’d been out of the workforce. And even if I did find a job,
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I’d get fired for leaving every time one of my kids gets sick or forgets their damn homework. This mini-sode is about uncovering the beliefs that are keeping you stuck, the stupid assumptions that hide under smart reasons, and the fear that makes you think that you can’t feel grateful and want more at the same time. I’ll share the single question that helped me realize the only person holding me back was me, so that you can pop the hood on your own bullshit.
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and dare to imagine what else might be true.
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My name is Colleen and I’m a mindful drinking coach helping high achieving professional women permanently reduce their alcohol consumption by 80%. Join me each week for evidence based holistic strategies to regulate your nervous system, balance your dopamine, and activate the growth mindset that makes you so powerful in other areas of your life so you can stop worrying about losing control and trust yourself again. Get happy, not sober. It’s not about the alcohol.
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So I want to give you a simple one question technique that will allow you to uncover the mental roadblocks that are keeping you from the life that you want, the behavior that you want, the experiences that you want. So yesterday, I had a comment on one of my TikTok reels. And the gal said, I’d like to change my life. I’m ready to change my life. But I can’t due to financial restrictions.
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What I’ve noticed in my life is that many of my blocks also somehow tie back to money. I literally used to consider my drinking problem a problem of privilege. I drink because I can afford to drink. I knew that if I had to go get a second job to support myself or if I had a career that I was super passionate about, that drinking wouldn’t be a problem. Like I know that I’m a dedicated, driven person. I do what I need to do.
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And so the fact that I was drinking every day was simply because I was under challenged and overqualified for my role as a domestic goddess. And that led to the next block was, and I can’t change that because I’m the mother of four and the stepmother of three and a wife of a husband who expects me to take care of two homes. And I knew that wasn’t a sad story. This was a problem of privilege. And even after I
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quit drinking for a while and got my shit together. I still had the belief that I couldn’t leave this marriage because I didn’t want to give up my life of comfort and also the financial support I’m able to provide for my four kids who are college age and moving into adulthood. I didn’t want to go live in a little apartment and struggle with money. And so I told myself I was choosing to stay in the marriage.
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and make the best of it because I had a good enough life. And I was afraid that if I gave that life up, that my children would suffer or lose opportunities that would otherwise be available to them if I stayed married. And so I wouldn’t even give myself permission to imagine that anything else was possible. I used all my coaching tools to work on my thoughts about my marriage. You know, how, well, if you don’t like the way you feel, how do you want to feel?
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and what would you need to think to feel that way? And I worked really hard to choose thoughts that felt true to me about my marriage that allowed me to exist within the marriage. I would say things like, I am happy and married. I couldn’t say I was happily married, but I am happy and I am married. I would remind myself that it is not the circumstance that makes me happy, it’s my thoughts and beliefs about it. And so,
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If I couldn’t look at my life and feel happiness and satisfaction, well, that would be a very poor reflection on my level of gratitude. And this is how I made the best of the mental prison that I was putting myself in. I was allowing the whole truth to exist, that while I was legally married, I did not have a life partner, somebody who I enjoyed being with or respected their opinion and counsel.
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or someone that I laughed and had fun with or wanted to spend any time with. That was not the case. However, the rest of my truth was that the marriage provided me and my children with a level of safety and security that I did not believe I was capable of providing for myself. And what’s interesting is that I didn’t even see that as a mental block. That belief was so deep that I didn’t question it.
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You know, that’s what a belief is, a thought that we think that we no longer question because we have mistaken it for absolute truth. And if you remember back to algebra where you solve for one variable and you then use the answer to solve for all the other variables, this was the variable that I was now using as a given, a known, to solve all of my other problems. So I want you to imagine that a block is literally a roadblock.
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Like imagine that you’re driving through a highway mountain and you come up over a crest and you can see all these little towns to the left, to the right, and forward. And you always go to this one particular town. And you’d like to try going into a different town. But as soon as you get to where you would cross the bridge to go in a different direction, there’s a roadblock and a detour. And you end up
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getting off at the same exit, stopping by the liquor store, and just going back to the town that you always go to. And you’re frustrated, but you think, OK, well, I’ll just try that again tomorrow. I will look for a workaround tomorrow. But every time you get back on that highway, you keep running into roadblocks that you don’t realize you can go around. And you just follow the detour signs and end up back in the same place. And so if you want to uncover,
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whatever belief is blocking you. It’s very simple. You just have to ask your brain what it is. And so the exercise for you today is to think about an area of your life that you’re unhappy or not satisfied or that you feel stuck. And think about that and then ask yourself, if I had all the money in the world, all of the connections and resources that I could possibly ever need, if I had nothing
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blocking me. What do I really want? What is it that I think I can’t have? And why do I think I can’t have that? And you can do this without fear because sometimes you just need to acknowledge what it is that you think you really want. Bring that up into consciousness. You just need to acknowledge it to realize, oh yeah, even if I had all the money in the world, I wouldn’t actually choose that. Like I used to think I’d love to live in a castle and be a writer. oh
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That’s a childhood fantasy of mine. But if push came to shove and I inherited a castle, I wouldn’t want to go live in the tower and just write all by myself all the time. And yet it was really important for me to acknowledge that, that’s that longing under there that like somehow there’s a life of my dreams and I want to be like JK Rowling and live in a tower in a castle and just write. But I couldn’t know that.
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until I allowed myself to dream myself into that situation and put myself there and then look around and be like, eh, nah, nevermind. And there are also blocks that you’ll find actually are restrictions, but there aren’t nearly as many as you think there are. There was a time when I had four little kids and I knew damn good and well that I didn’t actually quote, want it all.
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I didn’t want four little kids and some sort of career where I traveled and spoke on stages or all of that because I wanted to be with my kids. Now in hindsight, if I would have thought really big and said, well, you can do all of these things and have nannies and people that make your food and take care of your stuff and personal assistance. Like had I felt myself capable of that sort of income and success, I may have chosen to go that route.
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But I didn’t because there was a roadblock there and I thought I was happy getting off at the exit, stopping at the liquor store for a little nice bottle of Chardonnay and heading back to stay at home mom town and making the best of it. And I have no regrets. It is what it is. But I can acknowledge that I spent many years numbing that part of me that longed for something more. And the only thing I would do different if I could go back
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is to give myself a proper choice, to acknowledge myself and say, I see you, and then to acknowledge the fear and the limiting beliefs that were telling me I didn’t have any other options. And so for your exercise today, the question that I want you to ask, and really it’s two questions, is as you examine different areas of your life, and these can be emotional problems, relationship problems, career issues, whatever it is,
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Ask yourself, if I could have anything, if anything was possible, what would I want? And why do I think I can’t have it? And then let your brain answer the question. All of the thoughts that your brain responds with, these are your blocks.
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All right, thanks for listening. And if you’re a high achieving, coachable woman who is ready to commit to manifesting your best life, and you’re going to need to reduce your alcohol consumption by about 80 % so that alcohol goes back to being a pleasure instead of a soul sucking problem, get in the show notes and click the link and schedule a discovery call with me or my team.