Episode 59: Dealing with Drinker’s Regret

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I want to make a quick announcement before we get started. I just opened the doors to my new private community for emotionally sober-ish women. And we’ve already got a good group of gals. I’ve created a space over on Circle where you can make friends, have positive action-oriented conversations and get guidance, support, and accountability in a group of women that normalizes intellectual growth and spiritual well-being.

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And I even designed a new course just for this group. It’s called the Foundations of Emotional Sobriety, where I have broken down the lingo and the principles and the strategies of emotional sobriety into easily digestible lessons that are 10 minutes long or so. I also designed a companion workbook so that you can actually apply what you’ve learned.

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in real life. You’re not just passively listening. You have to participate. And that speaks to my intent in creating this. I’m calling it the Bitch Free Recovery Zone. It’s not free, but it’s only $20 a month. But it’s designed to move you into action. Because just listening to this podcast or joining free support groups won’t change your life. You have to quit thinking and start doing.

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And this community, this tribe is my way of providing a space for you where you can start getting your feet wet. It’s not a big commitment, it’s not a huge coaching program. You’re going to get my weekly content, you’re gonna get the Foundations of Emotional Sobriety course, and you’re going to get engaged and connected with other women who understand the struggle and are also ready to stop complaining about their problems and start working on the solutions.

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So get in the show notes and get the link for the Bitch Free Recovery Zone and come check us out. I hope you join us. So today we’re gonna talk about the huge hurdle we face when we quit drinking and realize just how bad we were. For me, right up until the day I quit, I was busy justifying.

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my drinking, justifying my behavior, minimizing the damages, ignoring the problems, ignoring the issues, and waking up to that reality felt like a truck on my chest. And I took it in stages. So the first day where I had decided I was quitting drinking, I had called the AA hotline and talked to somebody. And

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realized, okay, this is my day one, this is happening, I’m going to do this. I kept that to myself. I couldn’t even acknowledge to my husband that I was quitting drinking, or my family, the kids that lived with me at the time, because to do so would have had to open up the reality that I had been drinking, and I couldn’t handle that in early sobriety. And quite honestly, that was the best thing I ever did. For the first time in a long time,

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I was putting on my own oxygen mask and worrying about myself and dealing with myself. And so I went about my normal routines where in the evenings I always was pouring my cocktails and wine or whatever and pretending that there wasn’t vodka in my Yeti, pretending that I wasn’t drinking. And so I just took that level of crazy to a whole new level.

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had my Yeti and walked around pretending like I was pretending to not be drinking, except I actually wasn’t drinking. And as crazy as that sounds, it kept me safe. It allowed me to do what I needed to do because I felt like the moment I admitted I wasn’t drinking, then the implication was that I had to stop drinking, that I needed to stop drinking, and the implication...

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beyond that was that I had been a horrible problem and that everything that was wrong in my life and everybody else’s life was my fault. And I didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with that in early sobriety. My nervous system couldn’t take it. My brain chemistry couldn’t take it. My body was kind of in a state of shock as I went through withdrawals.

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I did not have the ability to do anything but triage and take care of myself. It took me a few weeks to start coming out of the closet. I think the first person I told was my sister. We were on a run and we were talking about the book Untamed, which she had recommended. And that’s the book by Glennon Doyle, where she talks about, I’m not.

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crazy. I’m a cheetah, you know, I’m a cheetah that’s been stuck in a cage. And it was really soft and safe for me to disclose that I was reading that book, and that I was inspired to quit drinking by that book and decided to take action. It wasn’t direct intimate contact. It wasn’t face to face. We were just out running on a nice spring day. And she accepted the

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you quit drinking because you’re a fucking mess. She didn’t say any of that stuff. She was like, oh my God, that’s so great. That’s so good for you. And then it took me a few more days and the next person I told ironically was my mother-in-law because my mother-in-law doesn’t drink and used to drink. So probably there’s a story there. She’s never disclosed that to me. But because she doesn’t drink, I felt safe talking to her and coming out and

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letting my truth be known little by little. And then it was a few more weeks before I was able to casually mention, oh yeah, no, I’m not drinking. I’m giving that up to my kids. My husband did finally notice, and I did say, you know, I’m making the decision to not drink and just get myself together. And when I did finally tell him, I was also shocked.

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by the level of empathy and sweet response. He was very supportive. He gave me a hug. He told me I was so proud of him. He did not dump all of the issues in our marriage into my lap. So it was really interesting as I came out to feel such support when I had been so afraid, so afraid that acknowledging that I had a problem.

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would invoke criticism and judgment. It was nice to wake up to the realization that not everybody was thinking about me and my problems all the time, like I was. It was quite a perspective shift to see myself as part of a larger family dynamic, and that even as bad as my alcohol use had been,

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It wasn’t the only thing people thought about me and associated with me. It was just part of a bigger picture. And that was a little unsettling. As drinkers, we take our own bullshit so seriously and everything is so intense and we have such a myopic focus that as I dried my brain out, I was able to see

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with perspective that, yeah, I had had problems, and yes, there were problems, but for the most part, my insane emotional suffering and pain and all of that stuff that had been happening in my head had only been happening in my head. Not to say there weren’t problems and that I didn’t screw up and do things wrong, and I’ll talk about that in a minute, but this is the part where at the time I didn’t know

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that alcohol use disorder is a mental health issue. It’s a distorted reality. Our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and the outside world are not accurate reflections. All of the problems that I thought were waiting for me were a product of my own mind. And that doesn’t negate the fact that other people...

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in their minds wouldn’t agree with some of the problems that I was experiencing. But for the most part, my perception of all of the problems was only my perception. Everybody else had their own take on me and themselves. And before I could deal with any of that, I had to get right in my own head. I had to sort through all of this emotional inflammation and right size.

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My experiences. The analogy that I use when I’m teaching is a junk drawer full of tangled cords. Just imagine everybody’s got one of those drawers of all the chargers from all the old phones and all of the devices, and they’re all just jumbled up and tangled up inside of a drawer. That is basically what your brain is like when you come out of alcohol use disorder.

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The chords are analogous to your thoughts and your feelings. One chord equals a thought, because every thought creates a feeling. Think of these charger chords. The one end plugs into your brain and produces words with beliefs and sounds and ideas and judgments. And the other end of the chord plugs into your nervous system, and that’s what generates your feelings, the energetic sensations as the thought resonates in your body.

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A feeling is the manifestation of your thoughts. You feel because you’re thinking. All sorts of things happen in the world all the time. You have no feelings about it because you have no thoughts about it because you’re not aware that it’s happening. The only thing you have feelings about are things that you have thoughts about. And when you’re not used to processing your feelings and making sense of your thoughts and cleaning up your subconscious, you know, dealing with the fears that come up.

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What thoughts are you thinking? Is that true? What else could be true? Normal processing of your emotions, making sense of it. When you’re not used to doing that, because every single night you’re drinking to avoid and escape the feelings, instead of processing them, then your mental junk drawer gets really full and everything feels connected to everything else. And this is why sobriety, early sobriety is really overwhelming.

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because it’s not just the physical detox and changing of the habits and creating a new normal. That’s all big stuff too. But it’s also untangling all of the thoughts and feelings that are triggering you throughout your day. You know, when everything’s all tangled up, one small thing can trigger a huge emotional reaction because all your cords are tangled up.

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And so somebody says, hey, what’s for dinner? And you make that mean, oh my god, this is ridiculous. Why do I have to do everything? Why does everybody always ask me and depend on me? Why doesn’t anybody else ever do anything? And what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life if I’m so busy making your dinner? Like all of this stuff, just little triggers have big emotional reactions. And that’s where I.

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think the term emotional sobriety, which is the foundation of how I help people in recovery to get emotionally sober, that term acknowledges that you’re intoxicated by your own emotions. There’s all this resistance and emotional inflammation, and you can’t make sense of the present moment and deal with one thing at a time because everything’s tangled up inside your head. And that’s why dealing with regret and early sobriety...

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can be so overwhelming. I see so many comments on social media of people who are so stuck. They are unable to deal with the present moment as it is to take the next right action, because in their minds, they’re just lighting their nervous system on fire with deep shame and regrets about the past and fears that the damage they did to themselves and others is so extensive.

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that they don’t know how to go on. They don’t know how to make it right. Some things can’t be right, made right, and they don’t know how to deal with that grief. And so they’re so emotionally inflamed that they become dysfunctional and unable to put one foot in front of the other. We think of stress as things that happen to us, tasks or responsibilities or commitments or other people’s drama.

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We think of stress as something that occurs in the outside world. We think of stress as something that’s happening out there. But 99% of the time, our stress has very little, if anything, to do with what’s happening in the present moment and what we need to do to move forward, and has everything to do with the stories we’re telling ourselves. And those stories, our thoughts, because thoughts create our feelings, our thoughts

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creating stress responses in our body. We are fueling our nervous system with cortisol and adrenaline with these stories that we are telling ourselves over and over that if you open your eyes and look around, they’re not happening right now. So in order to make sense and process your regret, the first thing you need to realize is that regret is an emotion. Regret is triggered by thoughts. It’s a story.

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And a story by definition is a singular perspective. It is a cherry picked data set that has a narrative with a beginning and an end and villains and victims and oversimplified cause and effect and overlaid with morals and judgments and foreshadowing and all of these things that are the hallmarks of a good story.

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Regret is a story. Regret is not the whole truth. It is your interpretation of a few sets of data and what you are making those data points mean about you. And I think the starting point for dealing with regret is to acknowledge that it is an emotion. And because it’s an emotion, it is also temporary. It’s not permanent.

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When you get into an episode of regret, where all of these thoughts and jumbled feelings are coming to the surface and all this pain you’re experiencing as regret is coming up, realize that five minutes from now, if you get interrupted and shift your focus to something else, that regret episode is over. And then it may come back, you can choose to

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activated again by revisiting the story and the thoughts and the feelings that are creating and each other but you can go in and out of periods of regret and I think putting regret into perspective as a starting point being it’s an episode allows you to deal with the symptoms of regret without taking them personally

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A really bad episode of regret might be like a really bad bout with IBS or diarrhea. You know that you have to stop and process what’s going on. You have to deal with it and handle it, but it’s not permanent. And most importantly, you must realize it’s a product of your own mind. Where people get stuck is thinking that

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the regret they’re experiencing is reflecting the truth and that the feelings telling them that they’re broken, they fucked up, there’s no recourse, this is the worst thing ever, and they just wanna go back in time and change it, but they can’t. Realizing that that is only one of the possible ways that you could be interpreting the objective data. Realizing that you can change

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your relationship with the past and you can change your feelings about it that dealing with this overwhelming sensation of regret is temporary and there are things you can do to move through it if you don’t like feeling like this is a really empowering perspective and the only way you can process regret and move through it is to untangle all those cords

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You’re gonna have to make sense of what you’re feeling. You literally have to dissect this emotion. And the only way to dissect emotion is with language. To expose the thoughts that are creating the emotions and bring them into consciousness so that you are aware of everything that you’re thinking that is creating this feeling.

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And when it comes to processing regret in early sobriety, the first thing to untangle is that this isn’t just regret. There’s also a lot of shame involved. My experience with regret, fortunately, thankfully, I’m so grateful, did not include any singular, horrific events. I didn’t ever drunk drive and kill somebody. I didn’t ever have any horrible

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scenes that had lasting consequences. I had a lot of fights with my partner. I had blow ups with my kids or fuck ups, you know, where I was too intoxicated and made an ass out of myself. I had a lot of those, but I didn’t have any life changing singular events to deal with. And if you did, my heart goes out to you. And I highly encourage you to get the help of

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a professional who can guide you through the trauma of whatever happened for you. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you shouldn’t go through this alone. The tools and strategies I’m offering in this episode are helpful, but probably not going to be enough. I’m really speaking to how to deal with regrets that are more general. You know, I regretted how much

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time I had lost and what a waste of my life and I was embarrassed about certain behaviors. But it was more of death by a thousand paper cuts because each of my singular events would have been tolerable and that’s how I tolerated them one night at a time. You know, oh well you know I regret sending that text or I regret getting in that fight but I’ll just move on. Quite honestly I probably couldn’t remember.

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any of the specific regrets, things that I’d said or done in the moment of being drunk or hungover, I didn’t remember them. So my regret was like, my regret was like this blob of awful feelings that I didn’t have concrete ideas or specific things to be able to acknowledge. Just an overall sense of, God, I really sucked. And so...

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The first part of processing to your regret is to get clear on what it is you regret. Give it words. So don’t just say I regret drinking for 30 years. For me, my specific regret spoiled down to I regretted not paying attention and not being honest, which also explained a lot of my shame because I was embarrassed that

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other people could see things about me that I refuse to acknowledge about myself. So I can say I regret not paying attention and not being honest with myself. The other another regret is I regretted being so damn self absorbed because I was always in my head worrying about last night or you know mental math on how much I should drink tonight or whatever. I was so self absorbed as a result of my drinking.

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that I missed so many opportunities to be in the present moment. You know, and it’s hard to regret things that didn’t happen, but I could at least articulate, I really regret being self-absorbed. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I also regretted setting a bad example for my kids because as much as I thought I was getting away with it, I wasn’t. They knew. They saw.

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I had a bottle of wine open on the counter every single night of them growing up. And you know, as I wake up in sobriety right in the middle of all their teenage years, that was a big pill to swallow. I really regretted modeling that sort of party behavior, not taking emotional health seriously, not having proper priorities and self-care and honesty. You know, I just kind of blew a lot of things off. So

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I regret setting a bad example. And I also could speak to that I regret all of the unnecessary drama. And this is where getting into the past, I was a drinker in my first marriage and my brain wanted to invite me into looking at that catastrophic situation where

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my first husband and I divorced in the middle of our kids’ childhood, and my brain wanted to have some thoughts about, you know, how my drinking caused that, contributed to that. I had let my kids down. I had let my first husband down, who I loved very much for a long time, and I had let myself down. And I had to acknowledge that, to allow that. It is what it is.

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but also keep it in perspective. My drinking did not ruin my children’s childhood. My drinking was not the sole cause of my divorce. My drinking was part of a bigger picture. And putting it into perspective allows you to deal with your shame. Because the reason it’s so painful and scary to process regret is because we have unexamined

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perfectionistic standards that say if we don’t do everything right, that we might as well not try it all. It’s this black and white all or nothing, all good or all bad thinking that has been programmed into our subconsciousness that doesn’t allow us to admit that we’ve made a mistake because then that would mean something is wrong with us and that we are

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not worthy of being human and sucking in breath. And that’s why it’s so important to process this stuff, because Brene Brown talks about shame and what it needs to thrive and obviously then what you need to heal. And she has three factors that she lists that keep shame alive. One is secrecy, the second is silence, and the third is judgment. And so if you want to heal, you have to be willing.

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to stop keeping all of your deepest, darkest thoughts a secret. You have to stop suffering in silence. You have to realize that you’re human and that the judgment you’re feeling is coming from the unrealistic standards that your subconscious is operating as rules for life. And the beautiful thing about processing your shame and being willing to talk about your regrets

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is how healing this truly is. Like I said, when I disclosed one person at a time that I was quitting drinking, I was met with acceptance and joy and approval and encouragement. My worst fears that acknowledging that I had quit drinking would be that everybody would say, yeah, we always knew you were a big piece of shit. That didn’t happen.

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The opposite happened. By disclosing my truth and my struggle, that actually was the repair, or the beginning of the repair, to my relationships, not just with other people, but to myself. We have this fear that when we disclose our failures and our setbacks and our mistakes, that people will like us less. That’s a subconscious assumption that’s not true.

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The real truth, the truth that’s actually supported by overwhelming evidence in behavioral science is that people actually like us more when we disclose our shortcomings. You know, and I can attest to that. In the months after I quit drinking, I think it was seven months before I put something on social media, I posted on my Facebook something about sobriety, and the overwhelming

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response and support blew me away. Here I was so afraid to share what I was going through to acknowledge that I had quit drinking because then that would have meant I acknowledged that I had a drinking problem, which also is just, you know, a bridge of rational thought. It’s not real. But when I came out to the world and was openly talking about sobriety everywhere I went and on social media,

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The overwhelming response was, thank you. Oh my god, I got so many messages, people saying, what do I do? I’m right there with you. And people who didn’t respond that way because they didn’t need to, they didn’t have drinking problems, expressed love and respect. I actually gained authority, where I would have thought that acknowledging my problem

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meant people wouldn’t trust me anymore. You know, oh, she’s an alcoholic, so we can’t leave our kids alone with her, or she can’t drive a car, or whatever. You know, all of those shitty things of judgments that we have. You know, when we hear people quit drinking, we’re like, oh, well, they must have quit drinking because they either got a DUI, they got caught with their panties down with somebody they shouldn’t have been with, or they lost their job, or there was some, you know, awful intervention, and they got carted off to rehab.

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But when I came out and started talking about my personal experience with alcohol use disorder, people appreciated that. And what’s more, I appreciated that. After years of pretending to have my shit together, performing the role of myself in social circumstances, and feeling more and more disconnected from my people, my environment, just feeling just out of place, I’m just gonna go home and drink.

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After years of doing that, I felt this intense connection with other people because I felt seen. I felt like a human. And that speaks to the fact that vulnerability is what fosters intimacy and connection. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength. Vulnerability doesn’t make us less. It makes us more.

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And when we are, when we let other people see us, we are honoring ourself. And that is actually not a feeling. That’s a fact. Speaking your truth does not mean that you approve or are excusing or justifying what you did or how you were or what you didn’t do. Speaking your truth means that you have accepted it. That you are no longer flinching. You’ve got your big girl panties up.

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This is what happened. It is what it is. And speaking your truth, honoring your truth, is an action that creates a feeling of connection, not just with you, but with other people. So the only way to reconnect with yourself and other people is to move through the fear that is telling you to stay silent and stay in shame. Because again, shame is fostered by secrecy and silence and your judgment.

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And so when you can and before you’re ready, moving into honoring your truth is how you forgive yourself. Forgiveness is not excusing things. Forgiveness is basically when you stop arguing that the past should be different. It is what it is. That’s the first stage of forgiveness, acceptance. Acceptance is perspective. You can see what

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your actions or inactions were and also what they are not. You can see where they played a role. But it’s acceptance is no longer making this emotional. It’s just the facts, babe. And so acceptance allows you to process regrets in a way that they become useful. You know, and the first step is to treat yourself with kindness, not contempt.

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That’s where you get the judgment out of the way because you’re human, not superhuman, not perfect. There’s no such thing as perfect. You’re here having a human experience. You make mistakes, you learn from your mistakes, you move on. So processing your regret, again, treat yourself with compassion, remove the judgment. Just move into acceptance, it is what it is. And then by disclosing your...

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self, your situation, your struggle, your truth. By doing that, you remove the emotional inflammation. It’s not this general stuffed down, horrible, I, I record I regret being a drinker for years. Nope, you can very clearly articulate what it is you regret. You can look it in the face, and you can feel it, you can allow for it. And then once you do those things, removing the judgment and

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allowing yourself to talk about and be open about your regrets, then that gives you some distance and that allows you to extract the lesson. You know, regret is useful because it’s a teacher. If you don’t process your regrets, then you’re going to make the same mistakes again in the future. Regret is perspective. It’s the only way to avoid more regret in the future.

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You have to be able to tolerate the regret you already have, be able to make sense of it, accept it, and talk about it. Because there’s no other alternative. If you don’t, you are going to be dealing with overwhelming emotional pain, regret, and shame, and the big tangled cords of all of the stories up in your head. And you’re going to need relief from that, because you can’t live like that. And so you’ll go back to drinking or

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pick up some other addiction, or just go be an asshole who’s, you know, really defensive and resentful, because you’re not dealing with your own shit. Like, emotional sobriety is the best thing ever. It’s freedom. You get to be free of all of this emotional information because you’re willing to tolerate the bad with the good. Regret as an emotion is super useful and powerful.

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It is what allows you to adapt and grow and learn and make sure next time is different, that it can be different, it will be different, but it only is possible if you’re willing to look at and dissect and digest these emotions. And the bonus of processing regret is that it allows you to shift your identity away from that fragile ego

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who can’t handle the truth and can’t handle your own feelings. And it allows you to become resilient. You know, processing the regret of all of my drinking required me, thank God, to shift my identity away from seeing myself as a person who everybody thinks is perfect and always delivers and is high functioning and has all of her shit together all the time.

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I had to shift away from A, wanting people to think that about me and B, wanting to actually be that way and shift to become a person who knows how to pull her shit together when it falls apart. Like, that’s a pretty cool identity too. And I’m no longer chasing perfection. Now I’m just learning how to manage myself, my person, my life, my feelings.

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And that is so much more powerful. I no longer have to control the outside world or set conditions on when I’m gonna be okay and when I’m gonna fall apart or when I’m gonna feel bad and when I’m gonna feel awesome. I don’t have to live by that and be a victim of my own circumstance and be a victim of my own brain. I get to be a woman who handles life. And by shifting my identity from

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perfectionistic, optics, I care what you think, to an identity of somebody who cares what she feels and does the work to keep her mind and brain and life balanced, that’s freedom. That’s the prize. That’s the goal. So to wrap this up, if you are in early sobriety or still processing, which I am too, you’re still processing.

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the past of your history and consequences of your drinking career. I just encourage you to get a journal and bring up all of the reasons why you are experiencing regret. Like get them out of your head so that you can look at them objectively. Put them into perspective. Sort out what goes where. Look at the big picture.

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Ask yourself, what do you need to accept? What do you need to let go of? How do you want to move forward? And most importantly, what do you want to learn? What do you want to learn? What do you want to come out of this experience with? I got to say, I am so grateful that I went through alcohol use disorder. Yeah, I’m so grateful, because I don’t think any human gets out of the planet without going through something.

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We’re all recovering from something. And how lucky am I that I get to recover from alcohol use disorder fully and completely. And it wasn’t some horrible cancer or the death of one of my children, which those things can still happen. But what I’ve learned from alcohol use disorder is that I have the ability to be resilient. I have the ability to be emotionally sober. I’m not going to collapse in a puddle

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pity party and let these overwhelming grandiose statements about my own horrible situation hijack my perspective of the big picture and what needs to happen next. I know how to get out of my own way. So I’m super grateful that I went through alcohol use disorder because it could have been worse. And had it not gotten as bad as it did, it couldn’t have gotten as good as it has. I had to go there to get here.

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I had to go there to heal the shame, the perfectionism, the fear, and the inability to manage my own mind. All that had to be healed. And alcohol use disorder was the medium in which I healed that. So I’m super grateful. So grab a journal, start processing what it is specifically that you are regretting, put it into perspective, untangle the shame.

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Practice compassion and have empathy for yourself, for the fact that you’re having a human experience, and then take action. Start honoring your truth, speaking your voice, telling your story in situations that feel safe, and just watch how quickly you see that your fears of what your regrets mean are not true.

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And remember that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. And if you’d like help sorting through your mental junk drawer, and it’s just feeling overwhelming and you’re not sure where to start, I have so many resources for you get in the show notes and join us in the bitch free recovery zone. And also in the show notes, there’s a link to sign up for my free one hour masterclass that I do every week where I explain.

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why labeling yourself as an alcoholic and telling yourself that you’re never going to drink again actually work against you. I break down my accelerated recovery process. I go over some of the tenets and principles of emotional sobriety and then I also lay out my next chapter program which is my 12 week mastermind in emotional sobriety that’s designed to take you from

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hot mess party one, still drinking, or you’re sober and sad and this isn’t going well, wherever you’re at, it’s designed to move you from there. And in a 12 week period of time, you can rewire your brain, get the tools that you need to change not just your daily habits, but the way you identify with yourself. And we have group calls every week, it’s intensive, it’s kinda like signing up for a college class. But if you want more information about that,

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The Masterclass is a really great way to start. And it’s free and there’s tons of great content in there. You don’t have to sign up for my program. I think everybody should watch my Masterclass. So there. So get in the show notes and sign up. So I hope to see you in one place or the other. Reach out if you have any questions. And that’s it. Thank you for listening. Unfortunately, I do not have my exit music.

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because I just realized that what I say in there about joining the Facebook group is no longer applicable. I’m gonna be shutting that down and in favor of the circle community I’ve created. But I do wanna remind you that if you find this podcast valuable, the best thing that you can do for me and for other people is to leave me a review and share the podcast because if this podcast is helping you, it will help other people.

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And as I hope you can tell, I put a lot of effort and time into it, and we are growing, but every time somebody shares it or leaves me a review, we get a bump. And so I really appreciate if you’re part of my team and part of my community, I appreciate your efforts to help me promote the show. Whenever I see a share or a review, it makes my heart go pitter patter and sends me right back to the drawing board to make sure I have great content for next week. So.

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Thanks for listening and thanks for being here. Do do do do do do do do. Just kidding, I’ll stop.